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That sodding cat from next door has been going behind your back and making out to everyone in the street that it was you personally who did all of those defecations. Especially the ones on doorsteps. To make matters even worse, most of your idiot neighbours believe that flippin' feline.
However, Nina Smallcake from number 8, has leapt to your defence, bless her common decency. 'The cat is clearly telling lies. Firstly, it tells lies all of the time. You all know it lied to you about the fish that went missing. And it lied about who got Mrs Furry-Snuggles from number 4 pregnant. Just look at the unmistakable stripes on her kittens.
'Secondly, most of you have seen with your own eyes the cat crapping in your own gardens over the years. You know it has form. Many of you even have recent security camera footage proving it.
'Thirdly, the person this cat is attempting to pin the blame on is a shy human being with an overwhelming inability to go for a poop in the local pub's toilets, never mind someone's front garden in broad daylight. They have their own private, functioning toilet in their own house - obviously the only place they feel vaguely comfortable crimping one off.
'To use an analogy, the cat is behaving like a disgraceful government itself responsible for wrecking the economy, now desperately trying to stick the blame on the Bank of England.'
Image:Ben_Kerckx - Pixabay
NewsBiscuit has discovered that the election after-party in 2019 was so wild that the Conservatives mistakenly thought they had lost to Labour. News that they have been in power for the last four years is slowly filtering through.
‘You’re shitting me’, one MP told reporters. ‘To be fair, I was off my tits for about a week. Ask Govey, he’s always at the front of the conga. It was us? We won?’
Several backbenchers appeared stunned by the news. ‘Does that mean . . . are we the ones who are supposed to stop all the poo going into the rivers? Are you sure? ‘
Conservatives have been blaming Keir Starmer for the state of the economy for some time. Now we know why. It also explains why Rishi Sunak never answers any questions at PMQs – he presumably thinks Starmer should be answering them.
‘So all those planes arriving during the pandemic without quarantine – were we supposed to sort that out? Oh shit!’
Another MP asked ‘But can we keep the bungs?’, suggesting that they have some awareness of reality.
Image:mounsey - Pixabay
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