Tories to create new role: Spokesman Without Portfolio

The Tory Party is reported to be on the point of creating a new executive role within government under the title: Spokesman Without Portfolio. It's understood the job will entail commenting on performance on behalf of every department. What's more it will not be necessary to be a sitting MP to hold the title.

A No.10 source told us. 'It's getting to the point where ministers are in open revolt. They're almost having to be bribed to do the media round every day. The burden of reporters and presenters laughing at them, when they have to tell risible and blatant lies in attempting to toe the party line in face of true facts, is absolutely dreadful.'

Rumours are rife all around Westminster as to who will land the job, but one Tory backbencher wishing to remain anonymous said: 'Well, it's a no-brainer. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. What? There's one person for whom this position is to the manor born. Boris Johnson is the the party's and indeed the nation's liar par excellence. To appoint anyone else would simply be unthinkable.'

And in what's being seen as a sign the further strengthening of that view, NewsBiscuit understands online bookmaker, Paddy Power, is refusing to accept bets on the matter.

Image: Pixabay/ derwiki

April fooling period extended to November, government confirms

The usual cut off point of midday for any April Fools gags to be actioned has been extended, more than likely to November this year, the government announced this morning.

'We're pleased to announce another six months of ridiculous policy making, comedy leadership and general all-round incompetence', stated chief idiot, Rishi Sunak, outside Number 10 Downing Street, wearing a pair of oversized clown shoes in place of his usual brown brogues.

'We may end the period of tomfoolery a bit earlier, depending on what the polls look like and whether we actuallly have any sitting MPs left by that point', continued the PM, as he stepped into a miniature clown car and gave a little comedy parp of its horn.

'Expect plenty of gags from us' said Sunak, preparing a massive custard pie with the Tory logo on the front. 'Shafting the economy, taking donations from racists, creating a hostile environment for migrants, that sort of thing. Top japes'.

Alongside the policy, Sunak announced that Jacob Rees-Mogg was to be Minister of Jokes with a loose remit to be a total bellend.

'To be honest, anyone currently in a Cabinet position could have stepped up the plate on this one' admitted Sunak. 'But Jacob is the fools' fool, and I'm sure will do a great job'.

Image: Pixabay/jackmac34

'

'I'll crash dive faster than any other Tory' says Sea-Gullis

'I'm not like the rest of the Tory flock,' the party's new deputy chairman, Jonathan Livingstone Sea-Gullis, told reporters at a press conference in his cliffside constituency on Rockall.

'They may be content to spend their lives flapping about, squawking manically, taking vicious pecks at each other and carrying out daylight robberies on the British public.

'It's been their way of life for hundreds of years, so good luck to them.

'But I want to take being a Tory politician to the absolute limits. That's why you'll see me, in the weeks to come, way out to sea and making crash dives at terminal velocity into the briny depths of oblivion.

'And if the rest of the Conservative Party has the same determination as me, we'll all go out together in a blaze of glory some time around November - or next January at the latest.

'What do I think my political legacy will be?' said Sea-Gullis, responding to a question from an inquisitive prawn before swallowing it.

'If history is kind to me, I'll end up as the answer to a really obscure question in a pub quiz which hardly anyone gets.

'I'd be happy enough with that. After all, we all have to recognise our limitations, don't we?'

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/