Mohamed Mansour has criticised the delay between giving £5 million to the Tory party and receiving his knighthood.
A spokesman said 'For £5 million, he could have bought his way to the top of several NHS waiting lists and fed some poor children and still had enough left over to make Nigel Farage say "Up the 'Ra" on Cameo again.
'Amazon prime can deliver a chicken harness on the same day, so why can't this government dispatch a royal with a sword in a couple of weeks?'
The embattled Conservative party suffered another blow today with a new scandal involving their biggest donor, Frank Hester. At a small private gathering of the Tory splinter group ‘Give us back our F*cking country’, an attendee secretly recorded Mr Hester making disparaging remarks about the recently elected leader of the Welsh Labour party, Vaughan Gething. The recording was then sold to the red top, The Daily Shite, for a six-figure sum.
A spokesperson for the newspaper was tight lipped about exactly what Hester said during the meeting, saying, “We’ll be serialising the story in the run up to the upcoming general election to show what a bunch of XXXX’s the Tories are, but as a teaser I’ll tell you this much. It was a diatribe, an angry polemic, aimed at the new Welsh Labour leader, the main thrust of which was that Gething had a wanker’s beard.”
The now notorious racist, sexist and, by the government’s recent re-classification of extremism, terrorist Hester’s views on issues of colour and gender are a matter of record. However, this is his first comment on facial hair proclivities the rich twat has made.
A spokesperson for My Gething commented to a hastily assembled press pack, “Vaughan is extremely upset by Hester’s remarks. He has never denied that he has a wanker beard. Just look at his face! I know his facial hair proclivity may offend some people, but we live in a democracy, don’t we? It should be every man or woman’s right to sport stupid facial hair without the fear of persecution from right wing tosspots like Hester.”
“Facial prejudice has no place in our society,” said Labour’s chief strategist, Manny Happyreturns, “The Tories should be ashamed of accepting Hester’s bung. If they had any moral compass at all they would hand Hester’s spondulicks to Gething so he can use the money to pay for a fact-finding tour to the Maldives. Wanker beards are de rigueur over there.”
Conservative sources have feigned shock that a massive donor is caught up in a racism scandal.
A Conservative statement said 'Oh no, we are totally surprised by this. But you don’t want us to give £10 million (back) to a racist do you? Better that we keep it. Give a racist money, they’ll be racist for a day with it. We’d rather teach society to be racist for a lifetime.'
'Let’s forgive the rich white guy. Let’s shoot Diane Abbott. After all, she did drink an M&S mojito on a train five years ago.'
A spokesman for the PM denied the donation would be spent on matching waistcoats, pocket watches and straw boaters for his barbershop quartet of Tory MPs. 'Thanks to some dodgy PPE contracts, "Rishi and the Racists" are already kitted out.'
