Tory election candidates: standards watered down again

As everyone predicts a bloodbath for the Tories at the next election, it’s becoming harder for the party to sign up new parliamentary candidates. To make things easier, the quality standards have just been relaxed again.

At the last general election a Tory candidate was expected to be able to explain broadly where the constituency is; to know what a constituent is; to understand what an MP is supposed to do for constituents (in broad terms); to be able to give examples of good and bad media coverage; to know what’s in the manifesto (in broad terms); to understand how the House of Lords works and ideally have relatives there; to know what taxes ordinary people pay and ideally have paid some of those taxes yourself; to know the price of a pint of milk and a stamp; to know to spell potato; and to not look like a dork or a weirdo.

These standards were relaxed for recent by-elections. A Tory candidate was expected to not be racist, homophobic, Islamophobic or afraid of losing; to be able to avoid eye contact with Reform candidates; to know the price of a pint of beer and a pint of milk; to be able to say convincingly that taxes are falling even though they aren’t; and to not look like a dork or a weirdo.

For the next election the list of requirements has now been relaxed again. To be in with a chance of selection, prospective candidates must only meet the following minimum standards: to be able to fund their own campaign; to have never communicated with Lee Anderson or Liz Truss; and to not look like a dork or a weirdo.

Despite these relaxations, Tory insiders still expect some difficulty in finding candidates for all constituencies.

Image:Pixabay/mounsey

SNP eyeing up Ashfield

In the run up to the next election the Scottish Nationalist Party is considering its first constituency South of the Border.  'Lee Anderson has many of the attributes we admire,' said a SNP spokesperson, 'not least his commitment to being frugal.  Anyone who advocates making meals for thirty pence wins the Scottish vote.'

Anderson, who has managed to represent Labour at council level (before being kicked out), Conservative (before being suspended pending being kicked out) and most recently Reform UK, which is a limited company, not a political party and is likely to sink under the weight of its leader Richard Tice's ego, is seen as a prime candidate for the SNP.  'We will provide a home for Anderson in our party, he can talk for displaced Scots who live outside of Scotland.  He says he wants his country back - so do we.  He says the country has had enough - he's read our minds, if not our pamplets.  There is a symbiotic relationship to be made there,' added the spokesperson.

A representative for Anderson reported he had responded by saying 'ye can foook off', which pleased the SNP no end.  'He even sounds like us, at least in print,' they claimed.

Image:Pixabay/David_Peterson

Conservative Party to be included in list of extremist organisations

Michael Gove’s list of groups that he says fall foul of his definition of extremism is to include the Conservative Party.

In a surprise move, the communities secretary will say the Tories are one of the organisations that pose a threat to democracy.

“Over recent months, this country has been a rise in extremist activity – and the Conservatives are at the forefront of it,” Gove will tell the Commons, according to his leaked speech.

“The party has restricted the right to protest, limited the right to vote, restricted citizenship and – most extreme of all – made up some bollocks about the shape of bananas.

“And then there was that twat who put Michelle Mone in the VIP lane for a PPE contract. Oh shit, that was me. Sorry.”

Gove will tell government bodies that they must not under any circumstances fund or even engage with the “extremist” Conservative Party.

“It’s a case of mob rule among the Tories these days,” he will say.

“Just look at them – they’re like a bunch of primary school kids on acid.

“They used to be moderate but they’ve become so extreme, Genghis Khan is thinking of standing for them at the next election.”

Image: Pixabay/aitoff