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Energy crisis solved by spinning magnet made from perpetual sexist and racist Tory Member repulsion



The Conservative party faithful have been plunged into disarray by a leadership run-off between 'a darkie and someone with a vagina'. The loathing amplified for both types of 'undesirable' by a Conservative government hellbent on a disgusting strategy of societal division, has come back to bite like the Ouroboros snake endlessly chomping down on its own tail.


The 'shocking' prospect of a Prime Minister who isn't white or a man, has sent some Tory members into a ceaseless spin of revulsion. But a mad old inventor from Basingstoke has harnessed this dark force and converted it into a source of energy.


'All you need is a fully paid up Tory bigot,' said Professor Blake. 'You give them just two options they equally despise, and they start to spit and froth, turning away from each with equal force. You then construct a housing made from material manufactured by GB News, the Daily Mail, the Express and the Telegraph, and that really ramps up the hatred revolutions per minute.


'Gather a few Conservative member fuel rods together and connect them in a series of right-wing echo chambers, and you could power the UK on pure intolerance for the next thousand years.'


image from pixabay


First published 30 Jul 2022


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Fired? Jolly japes to leave your new replacement - a Conservative list

Spaffed your job up a wall and been replaced by some noob? Why not leave a few tricks and jokes for the newbie, hilarity will definitely ensue! Perhaps one of these delights, put together by some Tory MPs who suddenly had a lot more free time available:


1. Poor some cress seeds on the carpet and give them a water before you leave. Maybe spell out a fun word like “Thatcher”.


2. Ram all the prisons to capacity and do nothing about it. Top bants.


3. Swap the mouse button settings round so they get confused and can’t press the correct one. Let them get any Social Reform through with that kind of setback.


4. Freely distribute top secret information about in a spreadsheet and make sure you cover it up until they are in charge. Try to make sure it’s expendable foreign chaps rather than your own lot…


5. Put some sardines behind the radiator and say you saw some of their back benchers do it.


6. Spend ALL the money and say everything is fine. This isn’t as fun if the other lot already know about it and pretend to go along with it. You both look daft then.


7. Shit in a drawer. Simple and effective.


8. Don’t pay people or fix things, enraged NHS staff, tired teachers, concerned school roof enthusiasts, poor train workers and all the scandal compensation…it’ll cost billions. The look on the new lot’s faces…priceless.


In no circumstances leave a “funny” note saying there’s no more money. They might use it against you and suddenly pretend that they take finances very seriously. It’s political wokeness gone mad.



Image credit: Thomas Bormans / Unsplash



Labour to blame for record low Full Moon, says Kemi

"Keir Starmer should be utterly ashamed that this month's Strawberry Moon has plummeted to the lowest point for a Full Moon since 2006," said Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch. "This is due to a 'major lunar standstill' which Labour was totally responsible for and did nothing to prevent," continued Ms Badenoch, in between wild howls at the Moon. "We Conservatives pledge that we will take the British Moon back to its rightful place in the heavens," she said, standing on a bare hillside and ranting at the sky.


"It is because of 14 years of Tory rule that the Moon has sunk to this abject level," replied Sir Keir Stargazer, "but under Labour, you will see it steadily return to its former heights. That might actually be the biggest thing we'll have to crow about, come the next election."


"With the Moon this low, there's never been a better opportunity to put doughty British astronauts on its surface," said Reform leader Nigel Fruitcake. "They could virtually jump there.


"Just call 0800-LOONYTUNES and pledge 50 bitcoins to the Reform UK Moonshot Fund to hear me talk and talk about it, c/o my closed down Coutts account."



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