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Conservative Ministers must now be kept under strict control

Tory MPs in England and Wales must be kept on a lead and muzzled in public now that a new law has come into effect:

Breeding, selling or abandoning them is also illegal as of New Year's Eve.

Voters who want to keep their Conservative MPs have until the next election to apply to do so before an outright ban comes into effect.

The curbs follow a number of attacks on society, but campaigners insist banning is not the answer.

The government said it had met a pledge to take "quick and decisive action" following a series of attacks, with one woman losing her job after just 49 days

The new guidance does not apply to Northern Ireland or Scotland because the breed does not thrive there.




Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet



Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.


'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

Conservatives to use ‘sexy cosplay’ to woo voters



Following the success of Penny Mordaunt’s Star Wars-inspired outfit at the Coronation, CCHQ has ordered all Tory MPs to be measured up for “sexy cosplay” outfits.


A paper in the British Medical Journal reported that Mordaunt’s attire was equivalent to two standard doses of Viagra in men over 60 who voted for Brexit.


‘Let’s face it, the old standbys of the economy and law & order won’t cut it’, a spokesman told us. ‘By any rational standards we should be dead. Yet people saw Penny carrying a sword and actually said that made her Prime Ministerial material. To be fair, it’s more work than Boris managed in three years, but really? Is that all the plebs need?’


But who are these sexy MPs?


‘Jacob Rees-Mogg actually has sensational legs. They’ll need waxing, but he’d look amazing as a French maid. Or possibly C3PO’.


The real vote winner is tipped to be Priti Patel. ‘Okay, she’s a bitch’, the spokesman said, ‘but she could be a right sexy bitch. It’s that smirk. You could just see smirking like that her after she’s killed a man – or possibly eaten a baby’.


And what about Rishi Sunak? Could he be made sexy?


‘That’s a toughie’, conceded the spokesman. ‘I suppose we could start by ordering full length trousers for him. Do you think he wears his wife’s by mistake?’




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