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‘Conspiracy theorists don’t understand our capacity for cockups’, says Gov’t spokesman



A spokesman for His Majesty’s Government has confirmed that most of the shenanigans blighting the news are genuine cockups rather than any masterful conspiracy by the illuminati.


“We do have conspiracies”, he said. “But they’re pretty mundane really – leak budget details to our pals so they can short the pound, wreck the NHS so our pals can privatise it, install Worzel Gummidge’s sister in No 10 so we can Bring Back Boris - that sort of thing. The rest of it is genuine accidents.


“We had no idea that the mini-budget would be quite so devastating because we didn’t ask anybody first. We honestly don’t know what all the fuss is about foodbanks – they seem like really nice places to visit, if you like that sort of thing. All the people bleating about their mortgages should sell a couple of their rentals if they’re running low on funds”.


When asked about claims that Russian money had penetrated the Conservative Party, the spokesman looked evasive before issuing a firm “Nyet”. So that’s all right then.



Alex Jones wishes $1bn fine was fake news



The King of Conspiracy Theories has had unexpected reality check – resulting in an actual cheque – having to pay compensation to the Sandy Hook families. Speaking from the set of the moon landings, his spokesman said: ‘Mr. Jones still denies any wrongdoing – it was all the fault of Lee Harvey Oswald, in the pay of Lord Lucan. He doesn’t deny the shootings, he just thinks it was aliens, dressed as Elvis. And it was the fluoride in his Covid vaccination, that made him say all those bad things.


‘Ultimately the Illuminati and Lindbergh baby are behind the whole thing. And if anyone should be paying it should be those guys who faked global warming - if they can afford to blow up the twin towers they can pay for anything.


‘Now, how much is $1bn in tin foil hats?’



Suffolk man ridiculed for claiming to have seen NHS dentist

Updated: Dec 28, 2021


John Palmer describes himself as just an ordinary bloke, but he has been mocked by those around him, and ridiculed on social media, after claiming to have seen an NHS dentist near his home town of Lowestoft.


John told us, “My family don’t believe me, and I’m getting a lot of ribbing at work, but I know what I saw. There was this bright light and I felt numb and couldn’t speak. To cap it all I remember my wallet getting lighter, but not by much. That was the weird thing.”


Professor Jane Whitehouse at the University of East Anglia has investigated many such claims. “Suffolk seems to have become a magnet for these sightings, and the explanations for them vary”, she told us. “Mistakes often arise during other normal encounters, such as with a chiropodist, or a proctologist or even a weather balloon. But, in extreme cases, people will claim to have been abducted and have had some form of oral surgery performed.”


Sightings now are perhaps rarer than in the past, but the debate over NHS dentists can still get inflamed. Conspiracy theories are rife, most claiming the Government is aware of their existence and have a file, but trying to extract further information is like pulling teeth.


As for John he can’t wait until the fuss dies down. “All I can do is take the joshing and keep on smiling.” he says. And what a nice smile it is.






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