Breaking news - Santa tests positive!

Children the world over are being urged to sanitise their presents and undergo lateral flow tests until the New Year as the North Pole has confirmed that Santa has tested positive following this year's marathon present giving around the planet, according to a SpokesElf today.

'Santa has been particularly careful this year, staying in self isolation in the North Pole for most of it, but has been making guest appearances around the world over the last couple of weeks,' the SpokesElf stated. 'In the main Santa has maintained social distancing, kept his sleigh well ventilated and has undertaken lateral flow tests daily. There was one particularly raucous party in Downing Street a couple of nights ago and Santa thinks that may be where he picked up the virus,' the elf added.

Downing Street denied there had been a party with Santa in attendance, but confirmed there had been a work related gathering. 'In response to unproven criticism over alleged "Secret Santa" events last year we decided to have an overt Santa event, in the interest of transparency,' said a government spokesman today.

A Conservative MP who didn't want to be named 'in case I end up on the naughty list again' said the uproar over Santa's super spreader event was over the top. We have have argued about the excessive impact of elfen safety for years.'

Image: Enrique1967

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Discovered Lear nonsensical poem actually new Lockdown Rules

Literary scholars were disappointed to find that a hidden trove of nonsensical ramblings was not the work of Edward Lear but were, instead, the fevered cheese dreams of Sajid Javid. The Health Secretary’s plans for easing Lockdown included owls wearing facemasks, administering vaccines with a runcible spoon and one dirty limerick about Michael Gove.

The first of many read… There was a patient from Nantucket Who had recently kicked the bucket Asked if he'd track & traced Said he didn't want to be placed And had told the NHS App to go f$ck it

Members of the public who were hopping for a coherent strategy, were told that facemasks were optional and that Covid only affected those who were Sagittarius. Javid concluded with a veiled reference to his predecessor...

There was a door that had no lock So covered the knob with a sock But we could still see Because of CCTV The knob belonged to Matt Hancock

image from pixabay

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