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Starmer close to completing Covid loyalty card


One man passion vacuum Keir Starmer has caught Covid for a second time. His 4 additional spells of enforced self-isolation had already made him the unluckiest Labour leader since Gordon Brown called a bigoted woman 'a bigoted woman' but got caught.


Starmer - the only person ever to be Tracked and Traced - is close to getting the coveted final stamp on his Covid loyalty card and ascending to platinum membership.


Labour activist Bob Bridlington denied that Angela Rayner was seen making a set of Starmer voodoo dolls and posting them straight to Wuhan. He noted 'Keir's commitment is such that he is single handedly skewing the government's Covid stats. And it's not as though self-isolating massively interferes with his social life. Plus he'll get a free coffee if it happens again.'




First published 6 Jan 2022


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Government running out of melodramatic analogies for future variants



Panic has set in at the highest levels of Government after it has become apparent they may have peaked too early with their overblown analogies for the spread of the Omicron covid variant.


After describing this newest outbreak as both a tidal wave and tsunami, essentially the same thing, they haven’t left themselves an awful lot of room when going completely over the top describing the remaining variants.


As Tom Gilbert, Minister for Overreaction, told us, “Omega should be the ultimate variant with descriptions to match. The Day After Tomorrow type event. Now, we’ve virtually done that with several variants still to go.”


With the Media relying on Whitehall for panic inducing headlines, it remains to be seen whether the Government can maintain hyperbole escalation for the next variant. Whatever their efforts though, the public knows it will just be Pi in the sky.



First published 29 Dec 2021


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Breaking news - Santa tests positive!



Children the world over are being urged to sanitise their presents and undergo lateral flow tests until the New Year as the North Pole has confirmed that Santa has tested positive following this year's marathon present giving around the planet, according to a SpokesElf today.


'Santa has been particularly careful this year, staying in self isolation in the North Pole for most of it, but has been making guest appearances around the world over the last couple of weeks,' the SpokesElf stated. 'In the main Santa has maintained social distancing, kept his sleigh well ventilated and has undertaken lateral flow tests daily. There was one particularly raucous party in Downing Street a couple of nights ago and Santa thinks that may be where he picked up the virus,' the elf added.


Downing Street denied there had been a party with Santa in attendance, but confirmed there had been a work related gathering. 'In response to unproven criticism over alleged "Secret Santa" events last year we decided to have an overt Santa event, in the interest of transparency,' said a government spokesman today.


A Conservative MP who didn't want to be named 'in case I end up on the naughty list again' said the uproar over Santa's super spreader event was over the top. We have have argued about the excessive impact of elfen safety for years.'




First published 27 Dec 2021


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