American criminals are demanding at least 48 hours notice of any raids, arrests or stakeouts.
'How are we supposed to hide things if we don't get any notice?' asked a career criminal living in Florida believed to called Ronald Dump.
"Fingers" McGraw of New Jersey agreed. 'It would cut crime; I would never have stolen that car if I'd known the police were watching.'
Alex Jones agreed. 'If only I'd been warned that breaking the law was illegal, I wouldn't be in this mess.'
Updated: Jul 4, 2022
Panicked defenders of Ghislaine Maxwell have been scrabbling for further laughable excuses for her behaviour, as, despite being incarcerated, evidence has emerged of her returning to her pimping habits faster than Jeffrey Epstein removing a troublesome retainer from the downturned mouth of a dead-eyed thirteen-year-old.
Within hours of R Kelly beginning his own 30-year sentence trapped in the custodial closet, Miss Maxwell has been charged with grooming underage girls and trafficking them through to the “I believe I can fly in the face of common decency” singer’s cell, allegedly for a little bump ’n’ grind.
'It’s not her fault she can’t resist powerful, charismatic singers,' bleated a close associate and fellow pension-fund botherer, obstinately deaf to the rest of the world clearly not giving a sh!t. 'It started with a Chuck Berry record. Then she discovered Marvin Gaye, and soon it was Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley, Ted Nugent - I mean, you can’t fault their morals, but it became an addiction.'
Believed to have fallen under the spell of Kelly, whose sickening offences are matched only by his horrific crimes against music, the disgraced heiress and defender of the sisterhood used a tunnel to smuggle the girls through to his cell, which she is accused of having scraped out in under 24 hours using only a Chanel mascara wand and the stick she’s suspected of having up her ass for the last 60 years.
'The single mindedness with which she dug through to Kelly’s cell is terrifying, but you’ve got to admire the impressive work-rate,' said a prison guard. 'It could have remained undiscovered, but luckily she chose to cover the aperture with a lipstick-stained poster of Bill Wyman, which did raise something of a red flag.'
Future criminal Oscar Oldroyd is 8 years old and confirmed his intention to live a life filled with villainy and heinous deeds because Dr Who is a played by a woman.
‘Dr Who is at least 900 years old and from the planet Gallifrey. I know it’s a story though.’ said Oldroyd, thus demonstrating a greater understanding of the difference between fact and fiction that most Tory Culture Secretaries.
The news that Dr Who is a fictional immigrant rather than a real one is thought to have turned Priti Patel into whatever the opposite of a weeping angel is.
Oldroyd continued ‘However, the Doctor is played by Jodie Whittaker and it could even be another woman next. As a result I’ve got no alternative but to grow up and steal from grannies on pension day, just to sustain the cocaine habit I’ll develop working as a merchant banker and later a Tory MP and later a disgraced Tory MP. If Matt Smith or David Tenant were still doing it, I’d be on a righteous path - it’s unfortunate but there it is. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to practice being a sexist pig. I've got work to do unless I want my crime as organised as Boris Johnson's haircut. It’s a good job that there aren’t any toxic masculine role models in the highest echelons of British politics, otherwise I’d really be in trouble.’
When asked what he’d like from Santa, Oldroyd said simply ‘A shiv.’
