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Woman buys house, lives in house, sells house, Tories furious



A woman has sold a house for a profit, a mere 17 years after buying it. This 'event' has provoked horror from leading Conservatives and several right-wing newspapers, because the woman is Angela Rayner - definitely the 'fun one' on a shadow cabinet girls night out.


Professional frother-at-the-mouther Clementine Carruthers salivated 'No self respecting Tory MP would only make 48k over 17 years from a house. Phil and especially Kirsty would have a fit. At the very least a Conservative MP would have claimed Parliamentary expenses for the second of two entirely fictitious moats, then have his hedge fund quadruple mortgage the place, then sell it to a Russian oligarch for a massive profit, then immediately buy it back from a Russian oligarch at a suspiciously knockdown price, then keep the money from a VIP lane multi-million pound PPE contract that a house obviously couldn't fulfil, then register the house as a limited company in the Bahamas, then declare that company bankrupt, then quintuple the rent at zero notice, in order to evict the young family who can no longer afford to live there, on to the street. And the cause of the fire that burned it all down afterwards was never found.' 


'Angela Rayner's behaviour - buying an ex-council house, living in the house, then selling it nearly 2 decades later - makes me physically sick. We just cannot tolerate this kind of social mobility. It will not do, to give the oiks hope, when it's our duty to crush their dreams and destroy their futures.'


'Anyway, women can't own property, can they? That's political correctness gone mad.'




Rishi Sunak: Culture Warrior




After some big defeats threatened to turn by elections into bye bye elections, PM Rishi Sunak was overheard listening to Monty Python's Black Knight and laughing a bit too hysterically when the Knight says 'tis but a scratch' and 'it's only a flesh wound' as his limbs are lopped off.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst interrupted putting stripes of camouflage paint on his face to whisper: 'Brave Rishi Sunak is tooling up for the Culture Wars. His rousing speeches sound like Henry V. Or they would if Shakespeare had written it to sound like a patronising nursery school teacher.'


'Rishi is going to be an action man - a Ken doll if you like - and nuke the culture wars like Oppenheimer. His aim is to make a country like the Daily Mail comments section - boiling with impotent rage at a world that doesn't resemble a version of a bucolic past that never existed.'


'We do our announcements in the Daily Mail now - it's the paper of record.'


'Let's just say if you're a transgender asylum seeker, things might get a little spicy. And if you live in Uxbridge and South Ruislip, it's time to stop breathing quite so deeply. Tory air is dirty air. But like man of the people Rishi says, if you need to get away, you can always get the spare jet to your place in the Caymans. Coincidentally that also works with getting away from taxes. Win win.'


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