Rishi Sunak revealed as comedy character

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak was today revealed to be an immersive comedy character along the lines of Alan Partridge or Borat.

'I started by getting him elected as a Conservative MP,' said comedian Sanjay Banerjee, who plays Sunak. 'Which frankly wasn’t that hard, given his constituency would elect a lamppost if it had a blue rosette on it. And then I thought I’d just see how far I could take it.

'No one was more surprised than me when he was made Chancellor and then leader of the party, and thus Prime Minister without reference to the electorate. I keep waiting for the bubble to burst - every day I wake up in 10 Downing Street thinking this’ll be the day, I’ll open the papers and see I’ve been found out. But it never happens.

'The idea - do I really need to explain this? - was to satirise a posh, out of touch politician with no idea about ordinary people’s lives, who puts his foot in it whenever he tries to relate to them. Frankly I thought I’d gone too far with things like the petrol station stunt, where he borrowed a staffer’s small hatchback for a photo op, as if people wouldn’t realise it’s not the car he usually drives. But people seemed to accept he was just a bit clumsy around PR stuff.

'So I had to up the ante - asking the Welsh if they were looking forward to the football, saying I was deprived as a kid because we didn’t have Sky TV, and of course leaving D-Day early. I mean come on, what real British politician would do that? But still nothing.

'Frankly, it’s why I called an early election - I can’t live like this any more. It frightens me that no matter how far I take it, no one realises it’s all a gag. Then again, if a multi-millionaire like David Cameron can say 'We’re all in the same boat’, I suppose all bets are off. You’d almost think he was a comedy character too.'

'Yeah, OK,' said comedian Steve Barnes, who played Cameron for years. 'I suppose it’s time to come clean.

'Frankly, I’d been looking forward to retiring the Cameron character - I do quite a few other characters too, you know, plus improv on Thursday and Sunday nights. But then they bloody made him Foreign Secretary.'

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Cameron returns from Trump meeting with desire to incite insurrection

A UK Foreign Secretary who was hastily Lorded for services to patriotic investment in Panama has returned from a bender in Mar-a-Lago. Travelling under the pretence of attempting to meddle in Middle East affairs, the real reason for the trip was to consult with an expert in examining the urinary health of Muscovite prostitutes.

Donald Trump, Experienced Bender (of American law) unduly influenced David Cameron with fine wines. Although it was hard to tell from the vacuous slurred speech, so it could just as easily have been fine swine.

As well as solidifying thinking on continuing to assist war-crimey genocidal maniacs on the fringes of Europe, a special extra bonus benefit for the UK was achieved. Sources close to Cameron's piggy banks have confirmed that the former Prime Minister now believes the erection was stolen from him. As a result, Conservative Party sympathisers should muster their artificially induced anger outside Parliament and await the secret signal, codenamed 'Stormy'.

Trump President Usa - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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Foreign Secretary visits Thailand to pursue stronger economic and defence ties… he says!

The UK Foreign Secretary and the man that gave the world Brexit, Baron Cameron of Chipping Norton, has paid a whistle-stop visit to Thailand. In the press briefing following the visit, a spokesperson for Cameron said, 'We’ve tried our best to keep this visit under the radar. How the bloody hell did you lot find out about it? If Samantha finds out she’ll do her nut.'

When pressed by the seasoned reporter from the UK red top, The Daily Shite, as to the purpose of the visit, the spokesman said, 'It is absolutely about improving economic relations with this warm, sunny, low cost of living country, and maybe improve military co-operation as well. It is categorically not about anything remotely kinky, or the chance for his Lordship to top up his tan.'

However, when a copy of the itinerary was given to the press, some of the items listed raised a few eyebrows:

- Visit to Ko Samui beach to evaluate the rate of climate change in Thailand versus the UK. Specifically the rate at which a British citizen changes colour in strong sunshine wearing nothing but speedos and factor 14.

- Late night visit to Baby Boom bar, New bar, Duangjai Ladyboy bar, Fantasy Lounge, and Lita bar to assess the capacity of a UK citizen’s tolerance of alcohol in a hot, humid, tightly packed environment.

- Late night visit to the entertainment district of Patpong as well as locations in the western Sukhmvit Road area, specifically Soi Cowboy and the Nana Plaza building to assess the effects of an excessive consumption of alcohol in a leg-over situation on a Lord’s ‘lieutenant’.

Speaking for the Labour party, the member for Seaton Carew, Ivan Tsometoo, said, 'This is a disgraceful waste of the taxpayers’ money. It’s blatantly a jolly. Cameron should be ashamed of himself. Fact-finding visits like this should be cross party and at least include one MP from our party, specifically me. I’ve never seen a ladyboy.'

Image: yns plt (@ynsplt) | Unsplash Photo Community