Celebrity muck-raker Isobel Oakeshott "can't understand" why several potential clients have pulled out of employing her to help write their autobiographies.
"Matt's book is all over the news, he should be happy" fumed a confidential confidante of Ms Oakeshott, whose name we'll reveal in next week's Telegraph. "Izzy always makes sure her clients get loads of publicity, just ask David Cameron. She offers a watertight legal guarantee giving clients total control over all their data, until such time as she gets a more lucrative offer. Or get bored."
It's understood that literally several politicians had been considering using her services, but no longer. Said one 'everything she does involves cocks - time for me to pull out.' However, things may be looking up for her now that her WhatsApp has just pinged with a message from a Mr Johnson.
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Former Prime Ministers are fuming as they realise the charges they spent gazillions of taxpayers money defending could have been avoided by just taking a fixed penalty notice.
'WMD fracas - £100 - bish bash boom. Might have expensed it though,' suggested one former Prime Minister.
'Lying to the Queen, unlawful prorogation, hygiene risk in a fridge - I'd have donated £500 for a season ticket if I'd known. Bloody irritating I got fined for a cake,' said the previous holder of the record number of criminal offences admitted while Prime Minister.
'Violating a pig - I'd happily have paid up to £150 if I'd known,' said another. We're not sure if this refers to an actual pig or just Edwina Curry.
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