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Reform Government to transform daytime TV


A future Reform government will lobby the TV companies to put some decent telly on during the day.


‘I have been selflessly researching television programmes during the afternoons’, a tobacco-stained party leader told us. ‘And the choice is pretty poor. There’s some great stuff on there – classic shows like Only Fools and Horses – and some wonderful programmes showcasing Nazi engineering – but most of it is home renovation dross and Australians with metal detectors.


‘When I’m Prime Minister I’ll need something to distract me during the day, before the serious drinking starts. We all will. So I will require the TV companies to come up with something wholesome, entertaining and thoroughly British. The Black and White Minstrels, remember them? Great show. Love Thy Neighbour – can’t remember the last time I saw that. Probably not ‘woke’ enough for the soy latte brigade. Chimps drinking tea. Top of the Pops with Gary Glitter. The 1966 World Cup Final. Skippy the Bush Kangaroo. Not difficult, is it?’


The move is seen as a vote winner among Reform’s base – incontinent coffin-dodging imbeciles with low self-awareness and frontal lobe damage.




Reality show contestant completes task without panic


A contestant has completed a reality TV show challenge in good time with no last minute panic. Stunned viewers watched open-mouthed as Caroline Frodsham, a project manager from Stoke, completed the redecoration of a cake shop with an hour to spare and under budget.


'I simply worked back from the deadline and planned out the tasks to fit the budget,' said Ms Frodsham. 'The client initially wanted a very ambitious design, but we had a sensible and open discussion on what was realistic - your know, like adults - and they were happy with the end result.'


'She was polite, competent and efficient,' said series producer Josh Wyndham, 'the bastard. Who wants to watch that? No tears, no breakdowns, no bitching about her fellow contestants... She embarrassed us all in front of the nation. Mark my words, she'll never work in reality TV again.' Despite this threat, Ms Frodsham appeared unconcerned, apparently quite happy to continue working in actual reality instead.



Image credit: perchance.org

Assisted Dying to be offered to actors on daytime TV ads

Frank (48) has been involved in acting for as long as he can remember. He earns just enough from bar work to stave off eviction. He’s a slim, silver fox with a neatly trimmed beard – sexually unthreatening but with an aura of worldly success, as required for daytime TV. Occasionally he gets a role repeating a catchphrase on a car insurance ad or pretending to have mobility issues before beaming with pleasure at the wheel of a battery-powered death-trap. ‘Acting was all I ever wanted to do but if you pay attention in that Go Compare ad you can see the life leaving my eyes. Then I started to notice other daytime ads – all the actors are mutely pleading for death’.


Susan (56) has the sort of face other women find safe. Her biggest role this year has been for an indigestion remedy where she has to screw her harmless face up in part one and beam in part two. All of her roles have involved beaming in part two. ‘The indigestion face is easy - I just visualise the gas bill - but I’m finding it increasingly hard to show joy. Look closely and you can see that I’m dying inside. Ironically, if I had a proper role, one where I was meant to simulate joy whilst dying inside – think Alexander Armstrong in every Armstrong & Miller sketch – I probably wouldn’t manage it. That would need serious acting skills’.


Thousands of dedicated actors find themselves in a no-man’s land of soul-destroying work for largely worthless products which will only be seen by people who are, themselves, quietly waiting for the grim reaper.


‘I sometimes think they want us to look like we’re in despair, just to reassure the viewers’, said Frank. ‘That’s why I’ve asked for an amendment to the Assisted Dying Bill to allow middle-aged actors to cut to the final scene rather than having to pretend that organising their no-frills cremation in advance has brought them peace of mind. God, I hated that one. Plus I couldn’t afford it – they’ll have to dump me in the wheelie bin when it’s my time’.


Opponents of the amendment point out that daytime TV serves a valuable purpose in keeping old people out of Sainsburys during busy periods, and probably reduces the number of mithering phone calls you get from your parents. Remove the advertising revenue and the programmes would be even more low-budget shite than they are now, which might result in a tsunami of old people actually leaving the house and causing mayhem in their battery-powered mobility death-traps before finding out just how grim a no-frills cremation can be.





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