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American streets now made entirely from gold


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Only a week into the big job and President Trump has transformed the USA. Crime has vanished, nobody is sick and Canada is begging to join the party.


‘I was a sceptic’ said Marjorie Williams (58), a lifelong Democrat. ‘But then the Gold Man drove by, distributing ingots to every household, and I can afford to retire early’.


Every large American town now has a Gold Man, tasked with getting rid of all the pesky gold accumulating since America became Great again.


Formerly trans people have developed clarity over their sexuality and gender alignment, which has significantly improved their sense of well-being. Hurricanes have agreed to stay away from the United States after The Donald ‘had a word’, and all geographical features in the world have volunteered to be renamed ‘of America’.


Perhaps the best news is oil. No longer a hydrocarbon, oil has miraculously stopped producing CO2 when combusted, meaning that the polar bears can safely continue sitting on top of giant mints.


In other news, man, this is really good shit.



Trump picks Hannibal Lector for Surgeon General


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In a relatively uncontroversial pick by his standards, President-Elect Donald Trump has named Dr Hannibal Lecter his choice to be the next US Surgeon General.


“He’s an incredible guy, an amazing guy, super qualified,” said Trump today. “In all his years as a psychiatrist, there was never a single malpractice suit against him. Mainly because he ate his patients before they could complain.”


It’s rumoured a very nervous Ivanka was sent to offer the post to Lecter, at the underground facility where he’s incarcerated. Demanding she come closer to the glass so he could examine her ID, Lecter noted “That expires in one week. You're not really qualified, are you?” and she replied “You're just realising that now?”


After some persuasion, Lecter agreed to be “in charge of the nation’s food… sorry, healthcare, I always get them confused.” He added that if they were still looking for someone to run Women’s Services, he recommended “Multiple Miggs” in the next cell. Ivanka promised to pass the recommendation on, just as soon as she’d been home to wash her hair.


She was then sent to discuss the appointment with senior Trump advisor Rudi Giuliani, but his only reply was “Just put the dog in the basket!”


A leading Democrat protested that surely a convicted felon couldn’t be given such a senior government job, before sheepishly saying “Sorry, I don’t know why I even said that…”


In the event, the appointment was unexpectedly confirmed by the Senate, perhaps due to the mysterious disappearance of several senators who had promised to vote against it. In an unrelated development, several delicatessens in the Washington area are said to be running short of fava beans and Chianti.


image from pixabay


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