top of page
Search

Novak Industries regret adding emotion chip to Djokovic



In a statement issued today, Novak Industries have said they regret the decision to add an emotion chip to their most famous product, the Djokovic.


”It just seemed the next logical step,” explained the company’s Head of Product Development. “We’d made it look convincingly human… OK, we never quite got the hair right, but aside from that. And it was beating almost every human opponent at tennis.


”So we thought we’d try and give it the ability to be pleased when it won a point. Or at least, to look as if it was pleased - I’m happy to leave that question to the philosophers.”


Early results were disappointing, however, as the Djokovic began displaying signs of annoyance with spectators and arguing with its on-site technician.


”It’s a classic case of unintended consequences. We should have known better - it was always a disaster when they tried it with Data in Star Trek TNG.”


However, they weren’t optimistic about their chances of ever removing the chip, as the Djokovic declared they could “take it from [his] cold, dead object manipulation peripherals” before breaking down in tears crying “Why does no one love me?”





Djokovic attended Downing Street lockdown party claim witnesses



The worlds much-loved number one tennis bellend is said to be amongst 370 people who attended the event in May 2020. The claim increases pressure on the worlds much-loved number one prime ministerial bellend. Mr Johnson says he can’t recall anything, can’t spell the word ‘party’ in any case, and strenuously denies even knowing who Djokovic is.


“Ah…um...well…jolly tricky all this. I did remember being introduced to some sporting chappie, but frankly, they all look the same after a couple of bottles of vintage Dom Perignon.’


A Downing Street spokesman denied that any rules had been broken apart from the ones that were: ‘There’s nothing in the rules to say that Mr Djokovic, who wasn’t here, by the way, cannot play tennis with senior cabinet ministers, who also weren’t here. There is also no truth in the spurious rumours that Prince Andrew, who didn't attend, served canapes, or that Melania Trump, who also wasn’t here, was fired out of a canon. Mind you, it was pretty bloody spectacular, even though no one was here and nothing happened.’





bottom of page