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Boris Johnson off to see the Wizard of Oz, with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Dominic Raab

Updated: Nov 20, 2021


The Prime Minister today announced that he shall be setting off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, accompanied by Jacob "Tin Man" Rees-Mogg, and Dominic "Scarecrow" Raab, in order to secure help in the Tory Party finding it's way home. This was caused by a terrible storm of back-handers which physically lifted the Tory Party into the air and dropped it in what turned out to be familiar territory. On encountering the Wicked Witch of the Centre-Left, Kier Starmer, in the House of Con-Mens, Boris raised his fists shouting put 'em up, put 'em up, then ran off when Starmer actually did.


Rees-Mogg, famous for his caring attitude to victims of flammable cladding, and Raab, whose grasp of important import-export routes in the UK is the stuff of legend, will accompany Johnson in his quest. They hoped to be cheered on their way by The Back-Benchkins, but will not be joined by Nicola "Dorothy" Sturgeon, renowned for singing "somewhere over in Glasgow". Many of the Back-Benchkins are Friends of Dorothy, but are rather too coy to come out and say so.


They hope to make "much progress, very soon" but have been warned of the difficulties with border checks when trying to enter the home of the Wizard, The Emerald Isle.






Government to re-train prisoners as politicians to raise standards in public office.

Updated: Jan 1, 2022


Justice Secretary Dominic Raab has today announced a new initiative to re-train prisoners as politicians to address a shortfall in standards, integrity and all-round competence in Parliament.


Hot on the heels of the government's scheme to simultaneously 'save Christmas' and win plaudits for BREXIT by training getaway drivers as hauliers and thieves as shelf-stackers, the new initiative is intended to improve the standing of the Cabinet and woo voters back to the Tories.


Raab said, 'It has become apparent that we could be sourcing professionally-qualified thieves and liars, instead of relying on amateurs. Also we could have perhaps got away with the Track and Trace daylight robbery if we had more experienced individuals covering the fiduciary misconduct aspects.' A senior civil servant admitted, 'We conducted an internal review and realised that standards in public office might actually be improved by replacing or augmenting some key individuals with convicted criminals. We are currently screening inmates at Broadmoor for potential roles as Home Secretary and Health Secretary. Meanwhile, Zippo's Circus has offered us a candidate for Prime Minister.'





Dominic Raab admits feeding a potential acid attacker to his pigs

Updated: Dec 16, 2021



Dominic Raab has revealed what he did with the body of someone who threatened to attack him.

The Deputy Prime Minister claims he received three “threats to life and limb” that have resulted in pre-emptive attacks launched by himself or with the help of Scotland Yard.

Raab told reporters, “I received very specific information about a planned acid attack. and so I decided to stake out the address of the suspect – a normal, respectable family man with three children, now orphans.”

“The threats were made to me personally and were quite graphic in their detail. He wasn’t so fucking cocky when I started smashing his door down with an axe.”

Raab then detailed how he abducted the individual with his trademark sneer before escorting him to his two-hundred acre Surrey estate.

Raab continued, “I don’t know whether you’ve ever tried to dispose of human remains, but pigs are terribly efficient at devouring what’s left of a terrorist after he’s been through a Biojack 300E – a machine primarily used for shredding timber.”

“Anyway, that’s where my twin porkers Hamble and Jemimah really came into their own.”

He added, “Anyone who’s ever taken lunch with Priti Patel in the Commons canteen will know what I’m talking about.”





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