Cabinet Squid Squabble set to get gory

After watching the Korean documentary Squid Game, an unseemly row is said to have erupted in cabinet about who gets to use it as a policy.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘Priti Patel suggested 456 refugees playing games to the death on a container ship drifting in the Channel. The last survivor would be offered a life jacket and British passport to paddle back. Patel suggested that the game could be livened up by warplanes strafing the participants. But Rishi Sunak pitched an alternative which he claimed stays closer to the Korean original. 456 people on Universal Credit – therefore in huge debt – fight to the death on a sealed off council estate. The last survivor would be offered an HGV licence. Both agreed Bradley Walsh would present the coverage.’

Hootington-Hurst continued ‘Dominic Raab said only he could truly administer justice but no-one was listening so he went back practising karate in the corner. Liz Truss opened with a joke “Truss-t me, I’m the foreign secretary”. No-one laughed. Then she said she had signed 456 trade deals with some countries that clearly don’t exist and there was a lot of stuff about pork markets. I’m not sure she fully understood the rules. Boris was wearing a hi-vis vest with “The Front Man” written on it. He said they should play British Bulldog to decide. I saw a glint in his eye and a shiv up his sleeve.’

image pixabay/Clker-Free-Vector-Images

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Surgical appliance replaces Foreign Secretary

The replacement of Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab by a truss has been widely welcomed at Westminster. It's the first time a senior member of any British cabinet has been replaced by a device designed to counter the effects of a hernia.

'This is a brilliant appointment', one Tory grandee said. At last we have a Foreign Secretary who will take a firm grip of a difficult situation. It shows Boris's creativity in making an appointment with which everyone will be comfortable, especially when they stand up suddenly. Conservative MP and doctor Mike Smythe explained 'Very often the symptom a truss can effectively deal with is an enlarged scrotum, and I can think of no better description of Mr Raab.'

Rashford not sure which white cabinet minister he spoke to

Footballer Marcus Rashford has allegedly revealed to friends that he’s no longer sure if he had a Zoom meeting with Gavin Williamson or Dominic Raab.

A spokesperson for the England international said ‘It’s pretty weird that guaranteeing poor kids have enough food to eat is such a long conversation. The problem is Marcus can’t remember which white middle-aged Dickensian villain masquerading as a cabinet minister, that he spoke to.’

Political commentator Marianne Morrison attempted to solve the conundrum, saying: ‘It probably wasn’t Raab, he doesn’t really do phone calls. The talent vacuum that is Gavin Williamson? His energy is ex-TA and constantly going on about it. Williamson becoming Secretary of State for Education gives hope to all the divorced dads out there, desperately trying to impress the children of their new, younger partner. There’s a limited number of times that making your thumb disappear is going to cut it, best get that tarantula back in the game.’

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the embattled Education Secretary confirmed that all ‘bleeding heart liberals’ looked the same to him. ‘Besides, football, rugby, what’s the difference? Neither is cricket, correct?’

The awkwardness of the moment was not dispelled when Williamson also claimed that Gandalf and Dumbledore were one and the same, while Jedward was only one guy. He went on to say over-weight women were just pregnant and that Samuel L Jackson was in The Matrix. The aide explained: ‘The important thing is that all starving school children look the same to Mr Williamson – expendable’. Hat tip Wrenfoe