The sore loser

Trump's Epstein defence: 'I blew Bill Clinton's sax'

US President Donald Trump is aiming to pick just one of the many responses to allegations regarding his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, and then attempt to stick with that. Here is a list of possible candidates:

- Bill Clinton has a big beautiful sax and Trump just had to put his not-weird-at-all lips on it... and blow. How's that for working across the aisle

- it’s all a hoax generated by Biden and Obama. Since their respective retirements, they have been busy writing the Epstein files and over 20,000 fake emails about him because they are nasty people

- Trump does not know anything about what’s in the Epstein files even though journalists told him how many times his name appears in them and his own staff were tasked with going through them in detail

- Trump is not in favour of the release of the remaining documents regarding Epstein’s conviction out of respect for the victims whose details should not be shared with the public. Including those victims who have already come forward to tell their stories, but they are all liars

- one victim of Epstein sex-trafficking said that she never saw Trump participate in any abuse before she committed suicide, so therefore it never happened despite countless others alleging it did

- Under questioning, Ghislaine Maxwell did not tell Trump’s Deputy Attorney General anything at all that could incriminate Trump so it must all have been a misunderstanding. Maxwell’s transfer to a low security institution where she’s been given a puppy while she prepares her petition for clemency is not relevant here

- Trump has had nothing to do with Epstein since the early 2000s and all the evidence that indicates that they were still besties at the time of Epstein’s conviction is fake

- There is no proof that Trump did anything wrong; the mountain of circumstantial evidence, the huge number of victim statements, the frequent attempts to cover up and prevent the release of the Epstein files, the inactivity on the election promises to ‘drain the swamp’ and all the other evidence means nothing

- These stories are just an attempt to distract the public from Trump’s wonderful achievements in stopping fictitious wars, blowing up Venezuelan drug smuggling fishing boats and bringing in trillions of dollars in tariffs passed on to US consumers

Image: Pvproductions Author Portfolio | Freepik

The BBC’s letter to Donald Trump

Our man on the inside at Broadcasting House found this letter in a waste paper bin on the top floor, so we reckon that it is 110% genuine...

'Dear President Trump

We are sorry about the editing on that Panorama program. But you did say all those things. Just not necessarily in that order.

We have talked to all the staff on Panorama about this, including the staff members working on the upcoming episodes provisionally titled Epstein: The Real Story, The Epstein Papers Uncovered, Andrew, Epstein and Trump, The Inside Story of Virginia Giuffre, Epstein: The Untold Story, America and The End Of Democracy, and Epstein: The Last Trump. We will be checking those Panorama programmes much more carefully, rest assured. Thanks to the publicity you have given to the BBC and Panorama, we now expect to sell these programmes for broadcast in the USA and make ourselves a bit of extra cash. We hope that you enjoy watching them.

Regarding damages, we are prepared to accept a settlement from you of one billion dollars, for your libelous comments about the BBC and Fake News. A man in your position ought to know better. If you are unable to send the money within seven days, then the bill will double every seven days until you pay up. We hope that we are talking a language that you understand.

Yours very faithfully, the BBC'

Image: WixAI