Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens

The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help those light of finger survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.

An RSPB spokesperson said:

‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’

There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.

You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.

Bill Oddie refused to comment.

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 26 Dec 2022

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Tom Hartley to be fast-tracked to cricketing failure

The England Cricket Board is thrilled with their win against India and about the brilliant performance of bowler Tom Hartley.

Work is now in hand to fast-track his career. As demonstrated by many before him, the usual trajectory is unexpected success, wild expectation, setbacks, teeth gnashing, mentoring, tabloid expose, time off, wild speculation, cautious return, limited success, family issues, mental health issues, inappropriate banter, tabloid fury, IPL contract, fantastic performances in India, dismal performances for England, disappointment, regret, grief, embarrassment, resignation.

English Cricket says that the process towards inevitable downfall is currently taking far too long and ties up too many resources. They feel it will be in everyone’s interests to speed up the whole process, and are working on a plan to do this.

A spokesman said, ‘England supporters prefer to have low expectations of the team, and to expect defeat. They find it unbearable if the team have a passably good player and there is even a small chance that the team will win, because the inevitable defeat will only hit them harder.’

Tom Hartley was unavailable for comment, but is believed to be in discussions with a team in the IPL.

Photo by michael weir on Unsplash

Cutting down from 7 bins? Where to throw the unused ones

After Rishi Sunak's announcement, a team of philosophers and dustmen are working on the best way to dispose of the unused bins.

A spokesman explained, 'As you know, before Sunak (BS) we had seven bins and these were used for metal, food, plastic, cardboard, clothing, government pledges and broken Brexit dreams.'

The government has released guidance suggesting that food and cardboard can be combined as by 2028 they'll be the same thing anyway, having clothing to recycle will be a distant dream, so that won't be necessary. Finally, the plastic bin should be put into itself for recycling.