Man devastated as 50-year-old Grateful Dead t-shirt finally disintegrates in wash

Drug-addled Californian, Jeff Kalimski, is still devastated after learning his 2$ dollar 50-year-old "Deadhead" t-shirt disintegrated in the wash last week.

Speaking on Good Morning America, his wife Roberta said: 'I'm not surprised it fell to pieces. To be honest, it was little more than a collection of holes held together with strands of material. I had been telling him to get a new one for forty-five years, but he just kept refusing.

'He took the news badly, and when I told him I threw what little of it remained after the spin cycle finished into the dumpster, he, like, totally flipped out, took to his room and wouldn't come out for a whole day. Between the uncontrollable wailing sobs and the Dead's Truckin blaring out, it was just so awful.'

Almost a week after the trauma and still coming to a painful and reluctant acceptance that the shirt is no more, a red-eyed Jeff said: 'Like, wow man. Hey, far out. That shirt, man was like a... like an amazing toke on the best doobie ever. I guess I'm too cut up to talk about it. Noooo! Look out; there's a pink giraffe coming to eat us all. Run for your lives.'

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Weighing school kids will tell us if they are carrying knives

Under the guise of monitoring student obesity, the Government are sneakily testing to see if children are smuggling in guns in their socks. Said a teacher: ‘It’s very humane. We get them to sit on an industrial scale and a klaxon goes off if they’re a fatty. A trap door then opens and a horde of Oompah Loompas carry them off to be strip searched’.

Explained one Headmistress: ‘We caught one lad claiming his suspicious bulges were the result of puberty, but his trousers revealed a cosh and two dangling grenades. We’ve had lunchboxes stuffed with submachine guns and one girl had nunchucks concealed in her alice band.

‘We can also weigh them to see if they are carrying drugs. We had one six year old who had put on two stone overnight, due to an enormous stash of cocaine in his rectum. Of course, not every fat kid is packing weapons, some are the weapons. Have you ever seen a Sumo wrestler sit on someone to death?’

Explained one Schools Minister: 'We're naturally suspicious of any child that puts on weight, God knows we're not feeding them'. Asked if was possible that extra weight was a text book, he replied: 'Don't make me laugh. We banned them before we banned knives’.