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Weighing school kids will tell us if they are carrying knives

Updated: Jun 21, 2022

Under the guise of monitoring student obesity, the Government are sneakily testing to see if children are smuggling in guns in their socks. Said a teacher: ‘It’s very humane. We get them to sit on an industrial scale and a klaxon goes off if they’re a fatty. A trap door then opens and a horde of Oompah Loompas carry them off to be strip searched’.

Explained one Headmistress: ‘We caught one lad claiming his suspicious bulges were the result of puberty, but his trousers revealed a cosh and two dangling grenades. We’ve had lunchboxes stuffed with submachine guns and one girl had nunchucks concealed in her alice band.

‘We can also weigh them to see if they are carrying drugs. We had one six year old who had put on two stone overnight, due to an enormous stash of cocaine in his rectum. Of course, not every fat kid is packing weapons, some are the weapons. Have you ever seen a Sumo wrestler sit on someone to death?’

Explained one Schools Minister: 'We're naturally suspicious of any child that puts on weight, God knows we're not feeding them'. Asked if was possible that extra weight was a text book, he replied: 'Don't make me laugh. We banned them before we banned knives’.

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