Devastating new side effect of Ozempic - articles about the side effects of Ozempic

The miracle weight loss pill, adopted by ordinary people as well as presenters on The View, has been credited with obliterating millions of tons of human fat since it hit the market this year. But the glories of feeling lighter for tens of thousands of people unable to afford the waiting time for gastric band surgery on the NHS have come at a cost. Side effects now include articles about the side effects.

'Every day for the last month,' reveals Spicer Kane, media analyst at Grange&Sh$w Anallipticals, there has been at least one new article about the side effects of taking Ozempic. 'This has led to an overall increase in anxiety about taking the drug and discouraged many more who would have taken it from doing so. As a result, these people are binge-eating to mask their fears.' In other words, Ozempic is causing a huge rise in obesity.

'For every weird-faced celeb in the Daily Mail boasting about being able to see their genitals for the first time, there are at least several people in Aldi stocking up on refined sugar baps. They read the articles about the side effects and reach for processed donut batter.' Side effects of taking the drug include no breakfast-induced hind shaking, dizziness at bus stops, and nearer proximity to death.

Newspapers up and down the land are taking apparent daily glee in covering Ozempic's side effects. Just yesterday, the Express reported on a man in Canterbury whose constipation caused him to yell 'shit!' during an opera, while the Mirror related the story of a woman whose kidney thought it was her heart and started drawing blood from her veins. Even the Telegraph, which for years ignored health and wellbeing stories as beneath its readership's higher interest, has a whole new section entitled, Ozempic Side Effects, with sub sections for Asia, Europe, the Americas, Ukraine, and Women.

Ozempic claim that the side effects of taking their product are being exaggerated by a food industry intent on the enfattification of mankind, 'especially Greggs.' 'If the articles do not cease', warned a company spokesperson, 'we will take steps to further research the product and decrease the number of known side effects, a result which could harm its takers' sense of the gains possible from embarking on a serious risk, thus decreasing the number of users and leading to an increase in obesity.'

Image: WixAI

Police warn posh children to choose their drug dealer carefully

Police have warned children to be on the lookout after a 13 year old purchasing cannabis was offered ultra processed foods. A man, calling himself Gregg, approached the girl, who was yelling through the letterbox of her dealer, and offered her a tin of spam.

"This young person was going about a perfectly normal midnight cash drop at her skunk dealer’s flat when a man she had never got high with before tried to offer her canned meat."

Police are concerned that the incident might lead to an epidemic of otherwise healthy juvenile weed addicts washing down their drugs with processed nuggets.

“It is imperative that we apprehend this individual before UPFs wreck the middle class. In the meantime, we urge parents ensure their wealthy offspring limit self-harm to traditional methods, like chuffing a fat one for breakfast. Instead of falling for the ruinous effects of cereal.”

Once a well-off child has started to regularly consume cereals, it is very difficult to break the habit, said the officer, who, on a personal note, related that he had once caught his own son dabbling in packaged cakes.

The man offering the spam said the young girl could have the first can for free, and that if she liked it he could deal her more cheaper than the Aldi’s price promise. He also offered inducements such as a free sachet of salad cream. Police are yet to make an arrest, but say that Gregg’s hoodie reeked of preservatives, emulsifiers, and Solihull.

Image: ghfjvb7890 - Pixabay

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