Bible authors ‘must have been on drugs’ say experts

Recent scholarship has confirmed that whoever wrote the Bible ‘must have been off their tits, or something’.

Doctor Pete Lawton of the University of Padgate has been researching the Bible for twenty years. His PhD thesis “Biblical Exegesis: Is It A Waste of Everybody’s Time?” was less an academic paper than a cry for help.

‘I’ve spent the best years of my life studying this book’, he told journalists. ‘I’ve read it in Greek, in Hebrew, I even learned Aramaic for that bit at the end where Jesus gets really pissed off. All around me the literature and art students were getting laid, getting wasted, going to music festivals. I actually pitied them their shallow lives. Can you believe that?

‘And then it dawned on me: it’s totally batshit crazy. Plague of boils? Frogs? People getting turned into pillars of salt? It’s like Game of Thrones on acid. Might as well study the Tooth Fairy.

‘I went off the rails a bit, got a new hairstyle and tried Psilocybin. That first trip – wow. I could hear the trees murmuring to one another through the earth. I held a conversation with a eucalyptus tree in Australia – they’re all connected, you see – and I felt the warmth of the earth’s embrace for the first time. When I came round I’d crapped myself quite thoroughly, but after a quick shower I went back to the Bible and it suddenly made sense’.

Theologians are divided on whether the Bible was written under the influence of mushrooms or alcohol, but strongly recommend being high before reading the thing.

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Police raid barbers and vape shops in attempt to restock evidence rooms

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New obesity drug Fatibumbum announced

Pharmaceutical firm Methpusha today announced the launch of a new drug to tackle the nation’s obesity crisis.

To be marketed under the brand name Fatibumbum, though its scientific name is Greggspasti, the new drug will work in an entirely different way to competing drugs already on the market.

“In the past, we’ve concentrated on mimicking the feeling of fullness, so people will eat less,” said company spokesman Shy Gadarene. “Unfortunately, our new parent company also owns a number of fast food franchises, so they weren’t too happy about that.

“So instead we’ve focussed on a drug that makes people ignore any advice that being fat is bad for them, or in any way undesirable.

“And it’s worked. In clinical trials, subjects who were given the drug were up to 50% more likely to use phrases like ‘If you listened to everything doctors say, you’d never do anything’ or ‘What does it matter? I might get hit by a bus tomorrow’. They also showed astonishing ability to avoid mirrors, and to convince themselves that they only need quadruple extra large t-shirts because they’re made in China ‘where people are smaller’.

“Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to make the pills taste nice. But they go down easily enough if you hide them in a Big Mac.”

Asked whether it wasn’t massively irresponsible to convince people it’s OK to be overweight when all medical evidence says otherwise, the spokesman said “Well who knows, maybe we’ll come up with another drug which means you can be obese without it being bad for you. We’re already working on one that prevents fat old men who take our anti-impotence pills having heart attacks during sex. We’re just losing too many customers.”

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