1962: Thaw in East-West relations as Kennedy and Khrushchev bond over amazing 'Cuban Missile Armageddon' video game.
1966: Referee Neville Chamberlain disallows Geoff Hurst goal against Germany for sake of 'peace in our time'.
1966: Colour television introduced. Couch potatoes discover existence of red, green, blue.
1967: Six-Day War. Israeli soldiers go on strike for five-day wars.
1967: Summer of love and drugs. Mary Whitehouse warns latest Cliff Richard song 'written under influence of Nurofen'.
1969: Festival of Drugs, Mud and STDs a surprise success when rebranded as 'Woodstock'.
1969: 'One giant f*ckup for mankind', says Neil Armstrong as he lands on Mars by mistake.
1973: Queues of panicking customers form outside sex shops as baby-oil crisis kicks in.
1973: 'Britannia caduca est!' wails four-year-old Jacob Rees-Mogg on hearing Britain has joined EEC.
1977: King of Rock and Roll hires 300-pound Elvis impersonator to die and be buried in his place.
Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay
A leaked document today confirmed the existence of a plot, hatched by senior figures at the Ministry of Health, to kill former Rolling Stones’ guitarist Keith Richards.
“We face an unprecedented health crisis in this country,” one junior minister is quoted as saying. “It’s vitally important people look honestly at their lifestyles and make the changes they need to.
”But how can we sell that idea to anyone when Keith Richards has been doing everything wrong his whole life, and is now 80 years old and in perfect health?”
The speaker went on to say there was no point using the government’s “usual methods” of getting rid of inconvenient people. “It’s no good if he gets hit by a bus or falls under a train - it’s got to look as if his reckless lifestyle has finally caught up with him.”
However, the next speaker suggested Richards is past the point where his death would do any good. “Who’s going to be dissuaded from living off nothing but cocaine, heroin, whiskey and cigarettes by the thought they might die at 80?
”Besides, have young people today really heard of Keith Richards? No, believe me, the way we disposed of Amy Winehouse will do much more good.”
Hearing of the plot, an incensed Richards picked up the phone to several contacts in the media. Unfortunately, none of them has any idea what he said.