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UK economy distances itself from Rachel Reeves



The UK economy has reacted angrily to claims that it needs to ‘step up’ and ‘get its act together’.


The economy said that it was doing its best in difficult circumstances and that it was unrealistic for the chancellor to expect it to grow, when her actions were making that very hard.


‘I would like to grow,’ said a red-eyed economy, ‘I really would. A growing economy makes everyone happy – more money to spend, higher wages and rising living standards. Who wouldn’t want that?’


The economy sniffed, and blew its nose loudly on a sodden tissue. ‘And now the Chancellor’s gone to China, to woo a different economy. I hate her.  Even more than I hated Jeremy Hunt and Kwasi Kwarteng.


‘Rachel has made things very difficult for me.  She has dumped a big tax hit on businesses, and that will filter through to consumers through higher prices. There’s no plan for growth. Inflation is going back up, and recession and stagflation loom.  Interest rates are up.  Real wages are falling.  Benefits are falling.   It isn’t my fault,’ wailed the economy.


Economists agree that the economy is in a fragile state. They have recommended that the Chancellor and the economy should ‘consciously un-couple’ and spend some time apart.


image from pixabay

Bank of England raises concerns UK economy may have 'disappeared'



The UK is facing an uncertain future today as it appears possible that the UK economy has simply vanished. Financial experts at The Treasury, whose job is to monitor the flows of money into and around the UK, have reported this unprecedented event.


"The economy has gone" said a source who did not want to be named. "Its just not there". If true, the UK is the first developed nation to face this potentially catastrophic scenario.


"I don't know what we will do" said the source "How can we continue to borrow money on the international markets if this gets out? I mean, we have known for decades that the remnants of manufacturing industry have been replaced by industrial museums supported by tourism, and the services we sell abroad were mainly based on Top Of The Pops, but most of us assumed there was still a bit of an engine somewhere, to keep things ticking over"


No 10 has been rumoured to be putting out feelers to see if a transplant economy can be sourced from somewhere in the near future. One option on the table is to transplant the Ukrainian economy to the UK, in the unfortunate event that Russia prevails in its attempt to subdue the entire country.


Another possibility is that the EU would lend us a bit of their economy for an interim period, although this can only be a temporary measure given the EU's policy of a level playing field. A third, less likely possibility is that they could ask Northerners to roll their sleeves up, put their thinking caps on and get stuck in all over again, although this is regarded as a difficult option as it would require Southerners to get out of t'road.




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