Despite fierce opposition, the controversial expansion of London’s UKIP zone took effect at midnight last night.
”There’s no point denying some people still have old-fashioned, almost obsolete mental equipment which gives off a toxic cloud of backward opinions when used,” said London Assembly transport spokesman Timothy Timeserver. “This will simply give them a place to do so without inconveniencing others.
”If they should choose to update their minds at any time in the future, then of course they’d be free to use them wherever they like without paying a penalty.”
However, some have protested that whilst the UKIP zone’s traditional boundaries of Thurrock, Basildon, Romford and Mile End were appropriate, expanding the zone westwards risked contaminating decent areas with verbal pollution.
”Just look at Bethnal Green these days,” said one protestor. “You can’t move for vegan cafes, artisanal bakeries and Pilates studios. It’s hardly the old-fashioned East End, and doesn’t deserve to be treated as such.”
A UKIP spokesman asked for a comment said that he and the rest of his party should be strung up, adding “It’s the only language we understand.”
The cetaceans seen in Falmouth, do not normally visit the UK coastline, so the Environment Secretary has taken the opportunity to claim their arrival in British waters as a Brexit benefit in much the same way that her colleague in the Home Office appreciates it to be with the ever-increasing number of asylum seekers, but won’t admit.
A spokesperson for the Sea Watch Foundation doubted that the dolphins are anything other than ambivalent about whether Britain had remained part of the EU, but said the beautiful creatures have incredible olfactory senses and can pick up smells from hundreds of miles away, so if they are attracted to the British coastline it’s more than likely to be the smell of raw sewage being pumped into the sea since Britain escaped EU regulation of keeping its coast clean that attracted them.
He went on to add “It wouldn’t surprise me to find the British coastline becomes infested with killer sharks as well before long, if they ain’t already here, because they’ve got an even better sense of smell. We call them sea rats, because like rats that live in sewers, they don’t mind the smell of shit, but you won’t find that mentioned in the newspapers.”
Next: Newsbiscuit reader asks if it was the stench of corruption that attracted ex-UKIP and BNP members to the fringes of the Tory party when Cameron left.
image form pixabay