In an apparent U turn to their current environmental policy, Rishi Sunak has announced the Government will shit in everyone’s mouths. ‘This is not backtracking on our existing green pledges,’ the Prime Minister told a press conference. But we think a more gradual approach might suit the economy and be a smart way of making sure we meet targets while taking the economy into account at a challenging time’.
It's understood the Government was moved to make the policy change after Uxbridge voters chose unanimously to fatally asphyxiate all the constituency's babies and toddlers with poisonous emissions from ministerial cars. It’s understood that if approved by parliament the nationwide mouth-shitting would start in Labour constituencies starting with the safest Labour seat, Liverpool Walton. Therese Coffey the Secretary of State for the Environment will shit in Labour voter Alan Abercrombie’s mouth live on national television at the iconic Liverpool Pier Head, establishing a pattern of alphabetical order for the shitting.
Labour have yet to comment in full about the plan, with some Labour MP’s calling the shitting ‘a desperate attempt at a vote winning gimmick that will blow up in Tory faces’ However, when pressed the shadow environment secretary Steve Reed said if the party were elected he would rule out shitting in voter’s mouth he would not ‘yet’ rule out pissing in their mouths.
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