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The cetaceans seen in Falmouth, do not normally visit the UK coastline, so the Environment Secretary has taken the opportunity to claim their arrival in British waters as a Brexit benefit in much the same way that her colleague in the Home Office appreciates it to be with the ever-increasing number of asylum seekers, but won’t admit.


A spokesperson for the Sea Watch Foundation doubted that the dolphins are anything other than ambivalent about whether Britain had remained part of the EU, but said the beautiful creatures have incredible olfactory senses and can pick up smells from hundreds of miles away, so if they are attracted to the British coastline it’s more than likely to be the smell of raw sewage being pumped into the sea since Britain escaped EU regulation of keeping its coast clean that attracted them.


He went on to add “It wouldn’t surprise me to find the British coastline becomes infested with killer sharks as well before long, if they ain’t already here, because they’ve got an even better sense of smell. We call them sea rats, because like rats that live in sewers, they don’t mind the smell of shit, but you won’t find that mentioned in the newspapers.”


Next: Newsbiscuit reader asks if it was the stench of corruption that attracted ex-UKIP and BNP members to the fringes of the Tory party when Cameron left.


image form pixabay


While much of the country is showing distaste for the state of the UKs waterways and shorelines, the water involved is more concerned that the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has decided to take up wild swimming. 'Turds are a fact of life in British waterways,' mused one stretch of fouled water, 'but at least they tend to float. The displacement alone will give us another bad name,' it added.


Environmentalists don't know whether to be amazed that waterways have developed enough sentience to be able to express opinions on politicians, or surprise that politicians have simply reduced themselves to a level that turd infested water finds them as repellent as the voting public do. A famous stretch of water alongside Brighton used to humans skinny-dipping regurgitated vomit left by a hen party at the thought that Coffey might shed her clothes and enter it.


'I'd rather have Michael Gove skinny dipping,' mused the sea front, 'at least the cocaine takes the edge off'.


Following comments from the Environment Secretary that eating turnips could be a suitable alternative to other vegetables, the root vegetable is to form a political party.


It's spokesperson, Timothy Turnip said that he felt 'he and his fellow turnips would be a far better alternative to both Coffey and her party.'


'The reality is that we, the humble turnip, not only provide more benefit to the British people than the current government, we also have a lot more integrity as well.'


Story: urbanhermit



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