COP26: A Delegate's Guide

Morning Queues

What should have been a simple process of rocking up to the venue entrance, showing your credentials, and undergoing a brief security search before gaining admittance, has been made much trickier by United Nations officials deciding that when in Britain delegates should participate in that most British of activities, queueing. Attendees will therefore be stuck for hours, continually assessing the relative speed of the adjacent lanes.

Speeches

Lots of these. Lots and lots and lots of these. Mostly ‘very important people’ who have flown thousands of miles in fuel guzzling aircraft to say the same thing. To put it in an eco-friendly, sustainably grown nutshell, “Cut CO2 emissions, reduce carbon footprint, stop deforestation, reduce fossil fuels. Blah, blah blah. “Recordings of these speeches will be on sale anyway as they are just as effective as whale song for relaxation, cures for insomnia, or for Mums-to-be in birthing pools.

The Green Zone

A highly fortified area of central Baghdad, not usually renowned for hosting events, workshops, cultural performances, music and film, all focussing on climate action. Clearly designed to make the Iraqi delegates feel at home with the addition of a nightly fireworks display.

Informal Gatherings

A chance for attendees to make the right noises to other attendees, exchange pleasantries over an artisan croissant and fair-trade organic coffee, and basically expound upon their climate crisis credentials. Definitely one of the key motivations for being there, achieving that overall feeling of smug self-satisfaction.

The Delusional Lounge

A safe space for senior delegates and politicians to group together without social distancing and to become entirely inebriated while convincing themselves they have saved the planet by collectively flying three million air miles and running the hotel heating on full for the entirety of their stay, simply by pledging to do too little, too late and not really meaning it anyway The lounge is expected to be full every night.

Image: crystal710 | Pixabay

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‘Tears of hungry children will help fill my swimming pool’ Chancellor promises parents

Chancellor Rishi Sunak has assured worried parents of hungry children that their bedtime tears will not be shed in vain. A Treasury spokesman explained: ‘When children go to bed hungry it inevitably ends in tears, what child wouldn’t cry if it hadn’t eaten a proper meal for over 24 hours. But what better way could there be than to put those hunger tears to good use, then topping up the Chancellor's pool?

'And with the proposed £20 cut in benefits we will undoubtedly see even more tears in future. We've also asset stripped the companies their parents used to work for, so it’s a huge saving for the tax-payer, and Mr. Sunak's water bill.

'So, if parents will simply gather their children’s tears in a bottle and send to RISHI'S POOL, Kirby Sigston Manor, Northallerton, second class post will be adequate. First class post would be 85p and that’s probably all you have to spend each day on food for the kiddies, we might be many things but we're not monsters.

'I know lots of parents will be shedding tears too, but please, can you keep it to just your children's tears, apparently the fatty oils contained in a child's teardrop are good for your skin'.