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West London Brexiter shoots wife following bent banana confusion


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A 57-year-old man from Kentish Town in West London was being held in police custody last night after blasting his wife in the chest with a shotgun in a fit of rage due to frustration that post-Brexit bananas were still curved and not straight as he mistakenly believed had been promised in pro-Brexit newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Telegraph prior to the 2016 referendum.


Michael Steeden, a boating lake attendant, was held by police at his home in Chalk Farm Avenue after neighbours reported two loud gunshots.


Officers broke into the property and found Steeden sitting on the stairs with the shotgun across his knees and a banana in his hands which he appeared to be trying to straighten with a copper and hide mallet, according to an eyewitness.


His wife of twenty-two years, Shirley, was found in the kitchen clinging to the sink with gunshot wounds to the chest.


The injured woman was rushed to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where she was last night described as 'comfortable but extremely shaken'


A police spokesman told newsmen: 'Mr Steeden has been charged with attempted murder contrary to common law.


'He has admitted the offence, blaming frustration that post-Brexit bananas had still not yet been straightened, as he mistakenly believed would be the case following the Brexit referendum'






EU employ French Brexit negotiator to shrug and pretend not to understand English


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The European Union has employed French politician Michel Barnier to oversea the Brexit negotiations from the EU side, who was chosen for his particularly annoying shrug and his ability to pretend that he doesn't speak a word English, despite being fluent in the language.


'The United Kingdom has voted to leave the European Union, and that is understandable because they are very stupid' he said unhelpfully at the start of negotiations. 'Now I will leave you to eat your disgusting English sandwiches at your computers while I have a delicious three course lunch between noon and three o'clock.'


Throughout the negotiations Barnier has made it clear he intends to criticize English cuisine, the British public transport system and the failure of the English football team to win anything in the last half century.


'We intend to make Britain regret its decision to leave the EU' he told reporters. 'Every suggestion that they make, I will just shrug and say 'Ce n'est pas possible.' And then even if they speak perfect French I will laugh at their accent and say 'Je ne comprends pas!'


'In the end, the British will find the job of leaving the EU much too difficult, and will pay a load of Poles to do it for them.'







Johnson announces Garden Bridge to cross rift with EU


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The Prime Minister has resurrected plans for a Garden Bridge.


Mr Johnson explained the plan; "Not building the bridge in London has cost the tax payer £43M, I think we can do better than that. Did you know you could walk from the UK to the EU in Ireland? I didn't. But we can take advantage of that by moving the bridge to connect to the EU because there's simply a line in the road in Northern Ireland that the bridge has to cross."




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