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Brussels recognises breakaway republics of Hampstead and Islington



In a surprise hostile move, Brussels has recognised the independence of the breakaway republics of Hampstead and Islington from the surrounding UK.

"These citizens of these areas are loyal to the EU," explained crazed warmonger Michel Barnier today. "Many even speak French, at least in restaurants. We will not stand by and watch them forced to remain part of the eurosceptic UK, where they suffer daily oppression."

Asked what this oppression consisted of, Barnier cited the presence of Nigel Farage on LBC, GBTV and Question Time, and the imposition of daft American-style rules banning gender segregation of the pools on Hampstead Heath.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson was initially outraged by the move until it was explained to him that these places never vote Conservative, and he'd have a better chance of winning elections without them. He shrugged and got back to the Number Ten party, which had just moved onto an exciting game of pin the tail on Jacob Rees-Mogg.

At this point, First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon butted in asking, "Ye dinnae fancy takin' Scotland as well, mebbe?" Once this was translated into a language Mr Barnier speaks (i.e. English), he replied, "Er, no, you're alright, thanks all the same."



Probe into false Amazon reviews, given six stars


Regulators have been analysing reviews on Amazon to determine whether the internet giant is allowing false product claims to exist on its website or is just avoiding paying any tax. ‘We found that Amazon did a fair job – five stars,’ said one (verified) investigator. ‘Too good to be true – five stars and thanks for the bonus’ said another.


The EU has been checking into the financial affairs of Amazon for some time. ‘Cheeky, unorthodox, great Tesla btw,’ was the final report headline.






West London Brexiter shoots wife following bent banana confusion


A 57-year-old man from Kentish Town in West London was being held in police custody last night after blasting his wife in the chest with a shotgun in a fit of rage due to frustration that post-Brexit bananas were still curved and not straight as he mistakenly believed had been promised in pro-Brexit newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Telegraph prior to the 2016 referendum.


Michael Steeden, a boating lake attendant, was held by police at his home in Chalk Farm Avenue after neighbours reported two loud gunshots.


Officers broke into the property and found Steeden sitting on the stairs with the shotgun across his knees and a banana in his hands which he appeared to be trying to straighten with a copper and hide mallet, according to an eyewitness.


His wife of twenty-two years, Shirley, was found in the kitchen clinging to the sink with gunshot wounds to the chest.


The injured woman was rushed to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where she was last night described as 'comfortable but extremely shaken'


A police spokesman told newsmen: 'Mr Steeden has been charged with attempted murder contrary to common law.


'He has admitted the offence, blaming frustration that post-Brexit bananas had still not yet been straightened, as he mistakenly believed would be the case following the Brexit referendum'






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