Man divorced for kissing wife after swigging milk

A man has been issued with divorce papers for attempting to kiss his wife immediately after guzzling warm, sweaty milk.

Heartbroken wife Maureen Wilkins, 52, explained: “The experience will haunt me forever. Trevor kept one eye on me as he chugged away at the plastic container, like it was a moonshine jug and he’d been chopping lumber and wrestling gators all day. Then he drew an arm across his foul, frothy mouth, smearing milk further into his beard and ruining a very expensive M&S fleece.

“Gazing deep into my eyes, he exhaled: ‘Aaaah.’ Then closed his eyes and leaned in with his gob open. There were white stringy strands everywhere, and his breath was hot death. I’ve never been so unaroused. It was like when Han Solo slashed open that animal to stay warm in The Empire Strikes Back.”

“I just don’t understand. Trevor knew full well about the nine-day quarantine and decontamination programme for milk consumption, especially when attempting intimate contact. It was explicit in our wedding vows, and the fleece was an anniversary present too. Oh, the betrayal.

Maureen’s solicitor commented: “This is by far the worst case of domestic lacto-empoisonment it has been my displeasure to encounter. Divorce isn’t good enough, if it were up to me, he’d hang.”

The reaction from public figures has been mixed: A cleaner at Nigel Farage’s constituency surgery, commented: “Nigel believes milk, or any milk-based product, should never be used to belittle or intimidate. It’s a vile and disgusting abomination, and of course Nigel wholeheartedly supports British farmers in its production.”

While a spokesperson for ex-TV’s Gregg Wallace, said: “I can neither confirm nor deny that Mr. Wallace would advocate the partaking of warm milk before allegedly making unsavoury comments to women, or not.” And Canadian songstress Alanis Morrisette was rumoured to be inspired to write her latest album ‘Udder To Shudder’ after becoming aware of Maureen’s plight.

Soon-to-be-divorced Wilkins, 54, said: “I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I only drank it to mask the doner kebab stench. I should have got a f**king medal.”

Image: Couleur - Pixabay

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Plan for change: Keir apologises for small typo

Starmer launched his plan for change today, and set out his key milestones.  This fills in some of the detail that couldn't be put into the election manifesto for fear of scaring the voters.

Unfortunately, Keir has had to issue a swift correction on one of the pledges.  Due to a minor transcription error, the pledge to ‘treat 18% of NHS patients within 92 weeks’ was incorrectly announced with the numbers transposed.

Keir Starmer said that he felt obliged to issue the correction quickly, so that people on NHS waiting lists didn’t get their hopes up.

Image: Pixabay/mspark0

Hell to Host 2038 World Cup

In a development that has shocked even seasoned football observers, FIFA has announced that the 2038 World Cup will be held in Hell, the fiery abode of the eternally damned. ‘We believe that a World Cup in Hell will offer a uniquely immersive fan experience,’ read a FIFA statement posted on its website in the dead of night. ‘There will never be a hotter ticket,’ the statement claimed.

The move reportedly comes in the wake of extensive secret discussions between FIFA president Gianni Infantino and Satan, the president of Hell. ‘They really hit it off,’ noted a FIFA source with knowledge of the conversations. ‘I mean, of course this is a business arrangement, but they just enjoy each other’s company.’ The source noted that Infantino had given Satan a pair of his trademark white sneakers, while Satan had given Infantino a seven-foot-long flaming trident. While details of the FIFA-Hell arrangement have not been made public, the source said that it includes a payment to FIFA ‘for youth football development’ so large that it must be written ‘in scientific notation.’

President Satan warmly welcomed the FIFA announcement. ‘Hell has come a long way since the fire and brimstone days,’ Satan said in an exclusive interview with Piers Morgan. ‘With our hundreds of new unsanitary restaurants offering rotten meals, extremely expensive watery beer, and methanol-laced mixed drinks, we think the world’s football fans will see Hell in whole new light.’

Satan admitted that Hell currently had no football stadiums, but assured Morgan that he will have ‘666 of them’ ready by 2038. ‘We have perhaps the most compliant workers on Earth or anywhere else,’ Satan observed. ‘And compared to the perpetual torments they face on a daily basis, falling off a scaffolding or losing a limb in some piece of exceedingly dangerous machinery won't faze them,’ he added, noting that a FIFA representative called the workforce chapter of Hell’s World Cup bid ‘especially encouraging.’

Satan dismissed concerns over player welfare in Hell’s searing heat as ‘woke whining.’ ‘Thanks to my extensive strategic investments in fossil fuels,’ Satan said, ‘the Earth’s average surface temperature is getting closer to Hell’s all the time, so players should have no difficulty adjusting.’ FIFPRO, the international football players’ association, is demanding at least one water break per half, a demand FIFA has been reluctant to embrace, according to the FIFA source, because of broadcasters’ pace-of-play concerns. The general absence of potable water in Hell may also frustrate FIFPRO's demand.

Human rights activists were aghast at FIFA’s decision. When reached for comment, a representative of Amnesty International sobbed uncontrollably. President Satan called the activists’ criticisms ‘misinformed.’ Hell's human rights record is unmatched,' Satan said. ‘For example, we reject all types of discrimination: every soul in Hell is subject to exactly the same fiendish tortures and eternal miseries,’ Satan said. ‘And we must be doing something right because people are literally dying to get in.’

Image: Pixabay/NoName_13