top of page
ree

A householder is seeking advice regarding an unfamiliar problem with her lawn.  Following a night of heavy rain, her lawn has changed from its normal brown-coloured flat, level state and has suddenly begun to contain patches which have developed a strange shade of - well, almost some kind of green colour.  Even more odd, signs of a peculiar form of green, spiky growth has begun to occur in a few odd, isolated places.


However, an expert has advised her that this is not all that unusual, and often happens with lawns which have come into contact with water or even any kind of moisture, especially if the lawn has also been exposed to sunshine at any stage.  The problem will apparently eventually cure itself once all the moisture has disappeared, although it might be quite a long wait before this occurs again.


 He has warned her that in the meantime this green-coloured growth problem could get worse, and might need to be suppressed using an unfamiliar device called a 'lawn mower'.  These are apparently available from many garden centres and DIY outlets, or may even be available second-hand from a householder who has uncovered one in the back of their garden shed, and doesn't recognise what it is.


The problem is also likely to get worse as the seasons gradually move towards Britain's cold, rainy season, following Britain's cool, rainy season - or towards 'winter' from 'summer'.  



Image credit: perchance.org

ree

The White House has published a note, apparently written by the President's mum, keeping Trump off work for another day.


'Donald has a poorly tum and his bone spurs are playing up,' says the note.  'Plus, some naughty boys in the press corps keep shouting names at him.  Names like Epstein and Andrew.'


The note concludes that 'Donald will be back at work once a full pardon is announced.'



Image credit: perchance.org

ree

A Labour spokesperson today has announced plans for the renaming of the process of seeking asylum as 'Emergency Holibobs' and of asylum seekers as 'Unexpected Campers'. An unconfirmed source also said there were plans to rename asylum hotels as 'Hi-de-hi Holibobs Camps'.


'It is clear the British public are seeking clarification around the process of seeking asylum; those seeking it; and what we can afford to extend to them during their temporary stay', said Felicity Rhodia, the newly crowned Emergency Holibob Chief Yellow Coat. 'We can confirm today the change in nomenclature to engender a less confrontational set of terms that will hopefully puncture the current atmosphere of distrust and suspicion. Hi de hi, campers!'


New services for Unexpected Campers will extend to ballroom dancing tuition; talent competitions; local excursions to volunteer for fruit picking and manual labour; and shuffleboard.


Ms Rhodia concluded, 'Come on everyone, let's make the best of fleeing for your life in terror!'



Image credit: perchance.org

bottom of page