"The royal family have stripped their wayward relative of his titles and exiled him to obscurity in the maddeningly flat fastness of Norfolk,"Â announced a spokes-flunkey for Buckingham Palace.
"And having scuttled for cover by pretending he no longer exists, it is now their dearest wish to return to being a family of dull people with very boring thoughts and pursuits and nothing to say unless it has been written down for them to read out.
"From time to time, mavericks crop up in this venerable, vapid family - such as the Duke of Windsor, Princess Margaret, Diana, Meghan and Harry - who occasionally make for entertaining copy in the newspapers.
"However, the system always finds some way of driving these deviants into the wilderness - or the grave - so that the monarchy can resume its historic role of being Britain's leading set of bland, inoffensive sloths.
"God save the Sloth King, and God help Mr Andrew!"
image from pixabay
Updated: Nov 2
In a wide ranging and extensive investigation, Newsbiscuit has concluded that, contrary to many emails, MILFs in your area are not looking for you, or indeed, anyone.
After a flurry of mysterious and enticing emails, Newsbiscuit reporters decided to follow up on the promise of consequence-free, morally casual horizontal delights. We put to the test as to whether there was a cache of eager middle-aged women (we discounted DILFs and GILFs for this report) geographically near, seemingly desperate to meet for immediate liaison.
We clicked on the links in the emails and followed the flow of encouragement under our pseudonym, MILF_LOVER69, but after a frustrating afternoon and a maxed out credit card, we found no desirous mothers close to us or even within 100 miles (the slider wouldn’t go any further). After taking our enquiries from door to door, we also discovered, very quickly and aggressively in many cases, that even within 5 doors of Newsbiscuit HQ, there will be still no ready and waiting, frustrated women at any juncture. The police, after they were called by concerned neighbours, also confirmed that this was probably a scam and that we should stop knocking doors and asking. Beware!
Next week: Our trip to meet a Nigerian Prince under a bridge in Waterloo!
image from Grok