Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000.
Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear.
Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8
Incorrect Addresses: 1
Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good.
Self-made: 2, show offs, rising.
Image credit: perchance.org
The Island Nation, who wished to remain anonymous, talked candidly about their unbalanced relationship with a high profile country.
'You have to be really careful, they do demand compliments all the time, and you can’t say anything that would upset them. They need to be in charge constantly and consider themselves to be super powerful. They encouraged me to break contact with my local group, I do think there is an element of coercive control, but I still think they can change. They have massive mood swings, like every four years, it’s like they are completely different.
'I don’t like who they mix with, their friends are a bit scary and do awful stuff, but I can’t say anything, can I? They had an incident a few years back, I can't remember the exact date. Don’t tell them I said that, they go crazy if you forget it. You must never forget it. Anyway, they asked everyone for help and we jumped up and said no problem. Bunch of us did, I am sure they would do the same for any of us. Hopefully.
'They do treat me nice sometimes, like this year, they were being really mean to everyone and because I complimented how clever they are at business they were less mean to me. That really shows how special this relationship is. I always try to scrub up nice and make a big deal for visits, that definitely makes them happy. For a bit.
'Part of me inside knows that this is just wrong and wants out, but I can’t leave now, I have invested so much in this relationship that is not weird in any way. They have promised me a really nice mutual agreement, so I really need to stay for that. It’ll be so special.'
If you or any other countries were affected by this article, you can contact the United Nations Help Desk and listen to some soothing music.
Image credit: stablediffusion.com
Aussie kids under 16 aren't allowed on social media any more. And Australia is suffering the consequences.
'There is more graffiti, says Sydney Duff, of Melbourne City Council. 'And more antisocial behaviour . Kids pestering koalas, and roos, and drop bears, that sort of thing. Mel Duff, no relation, of Sydney City Council, agreed. 'Littering is up, chewing gum on sidewalks is up, and four penguins are missing from Taronga Zoo.'
The city police commissioner could also see the negative impact of the ban. 'Call outs to misdemeanours are up by 112% - and that's only 24 hours after the ban took effect. It's ringing doorbells and running away, moving wheelie bins so the garbos can't empty them, dingo doo-doo through letterboxes, stuff like that. It's low level bad behaviour, but it's still annoying. It's un-Australian.'
'Shoplifting is on the up as well. Without their phones and screens, kids are amusing themselves by stealing Tim Tams, Vegemite, and packs of Lamingtons.
'We reckon the court system for juvies will clog up, and that up to 60% of under 16s could end up with a criminal record. But we do have a plan for that. Either they sign up for juvie Cricket school, or it's transportation back to England. That'll learn them.'
Image credit: stablediffusion.com
