Liberal US celebs compete to be most upset at Trump victory

A number of liberal celebrities from both coasts of the US have taken to social media to outdo each other in how upset they are about Trump’s victory in the presidential election.

'I spent this morning holding Frasquita, my Latinx maid from Puerto Mexico, and reassuring her she’s gonna get through this,' said one well known teen pop star. 'Though only from behind, so she could carry on cleaning the bathtub.'

'I just don’t understand it,' said a famous actor. 'How many times have I posted on social media that people who vote for Trump are just, like, total douchebags? And it still didn’t win them over.'

Another celeb, who is presumably an influencer since she doesn’t seem to do anything else, said that until she watched the election night coverage, she hadn’t even realised how many other states there are between LA and New York.

'Though I guess it does explain why it takes so long to fly over them.'

All the celebs then issued routine threats to leave the country they 'no longer recognise at the America we love'. A well known bookmaker quoted the odds of them actually doing this as slightly longer than the presidents’ faces on Mount Rushmore being transformed by wind erosion into the four main characters from Gossip Girl.

Image credit: "Slave Leia Photoshoot at Celebrations" by Digital_Rampage is licensed under CC BY 2.0. (cropped)

Prince Harry emphasizes importance of vagus nerve therapy to NATO

The Duke of Sussex has spoken of the need for the world’s foremost military alliance to look toward alternative healing therapies as it confronts revisionist states around the world. ‘As a former member of the armed forces, I know it is all too easy for senior officers to focus on weapons training and small arms drills,’ the duke intoned. ‘Tragically, vagus nerve exercises get little attention.’

The prince, unable to attend in person because wife Meghan Markle’s schedule always takes precedence, talked movingly of how he looked up diagonally as far possible to the left, held the fixed stare for 30 seconds, then did the same looking to the right.

‘We should make it the scope of our mission at the forefront of global aggression-deterrence to understand that the vagus is actually a cranial nerve that goes all the way down into your viscera. Movement in the ribcage can break up tension there and, I believe, in parts of the world where bad actors are meddling to promote discord.’

The prince’s admonitions, however, have not been met with universal accord. One attaché, speaking on condition of anonymity, questioned whether it was a good idea to ‘discourage hypervigilance in frontline troops.’ The 40-year-old quasi-royal, whose social rank seems increasingly shady, spoke on a giant screen to leaders seated around a Kubrickesque horse shoe, well-meaningly superimposing his face into relevance.

Prince Harry addresses the NATO bigwigs at a time of increasing global tension. ‘Holding the human spine in a gentle C-shape while exerting slight downward pressure on the head with either hand reduces thoughts of impending doom,’ he declared. Although Harry has stepped back from public life in recent years, this bold advancement into geopolitics is expected to further diminish his viability as anything worth keeping.

Picture credit: Wix AI

AI president to be switched off

An AI generated president called Joe Biden will be switched off for good in January 2025. The software company that created the loveable and almost human president said that maintenance was becoming increasingly difficult and that parts were hard to get hold of.

A spokesman said, ‘Joe 2020, as we call him, has had a good run. He was very reliable until towards the end, when he did become a bit erratic.  He did stumble occasionally due to problems with his gravity sensors, and he made some dodgy jokes due to problems with his levity sensors.

‘We feel that we have taken the development of Joe 2020 as far as we could.  Parts of him are still based on Windows 93 and there is obviously a risk that he could be hacked.  He is also taking an increasingly long time to get going in the mornings when we switch him on. 

'Going forward we will be working with IBM on a new AI president, provisionally called Deep Orange.’

Picture credit: Wix AI / deskpilot