More fake news from the NB archives

6th cent. BC. Buddha gets idea for reincarnation while visiting recycling centre.

33 AD. Jesus crucified, asks to be buried with 10kg of self-raising flour.

c. 150 AD. Ptolemy proves world is round. Shops that sold models of Earth now calling them "frisbees".

1450. Renaissance pauses for half-time break so people can clear backlog of witches and heretics to be burned.

1453. Guinness Book of Records congratulates England and France on completing Hundred Years' War.

1560. Nostradamus correctly predicts the Trump presidencies, but realises they are just too far-fetched for publication

1707. Act of Union - apparently. Scotland wakes up in bed beside England with huge hangover and no idea how it got there.

1842. Victorian society is shocked by the first Pirelli calendar, which features pictures of pianos with particularly attractive legs

1854. Alfred Tennyson in secret talks with Light Brigade: 'You provide the charge and I'll provide the poem.'

1901. Death of Queen Victoria sparks constitutional crisis as King Edward too fat to fit on stamp.

1919. Humiliating peace terms for WWI losers at Versailles, whereby Britain allowed to make one 12-part sitcom per year about beating Germany.

Includes contributions from FlashArry and deskpilot

Photo credit stockcake: museum-dinosaur-exhibit_262824_51875

A descent into lozenge abuse

A NewsBiscuit investigative team provided this statement from 'Barry'.

'It started out innocent enough. Grandad would let me have a Werther's Original when I was round at his house. Then one day, when he wasn't watching, I helped myself to one of his peppermint balls. That was it. I would spend my pocket money on Polos. They lost their zing after a while and I moved onto the stronger Trebor mints.

I couldn't stop. Even when I had to get teeth pulled 'cos all the sugar made my teeth rot. I kept wanting stronger and stronger hits. Eventually, a friend offered me a Fisherman's Friend. That was it. I was up to half a packet a day.

'Happily, my family staged an intervention and arranged a consultation with a specialist. They're easing me off the strong stuff, little by little. I'm currently on a packet of Halls Mentholyptus Extra Strength. It's been tough going, but I feel that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope to be on Cheese and Onion crisps by the end of 2025.'

We wish 'Barry' well in his struggle.

Image credit: Carl Spencer, licensed under https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/

Burglary victim told to be reasonable about it

A burglary victim was today told by the police to be more reasonable in his demands for the return of his property.

Mr Zelensky of Europe E17 was initially hopeful of getting his stuff back, when the police told him they knew exactly who had taken it and where he lives.

However, after lengthy discussions with the burglar, they later told the victim he shouldn’t be so unreasonable and absolutist in his demands for restitution.

'Alright, so, in an ideal world Mr Putain wouldn’t have taken your things,' they said. 'But we can’t be obsessing over the past like that. We have to look at the situation going forward and find a solution all parties are comfortable with.

”We’ve put to Mr Zelensky a proposal that Mr Putain, whilst keeping everything he’s already taken, won’t take any more. But I’m sorry to say he’s being quite inflexible about this, which really isn’t helpful.'

However, the negotiations were rendered moot by the news that Mr Putain had not only taken more, he’d also moved into Mr Zelensky’s house and changed the locks, a move the police described as 'perfectly reasonable, given he now has so many of Mr Zelensky’s possessions and obviously needs somewhere to keep them.'

Picture credit: Wix AI