Distressed Howler monkey accuses Ed Sheeran of plagiarism

Lawyers representing a constipated Howler monkey have accused Ed Sheeran of ‘sampling’ some of his greatest works. Mr Sheeran’s lawyers insist screeching and yelping are the hallmark of most popular music. They also point out that the lyric ‘Ooh girl, we had a love so strong’ appears in 97% of all songs ever written.

Speaking to reporters Mr Sheeran said: ‘It was just an innocent mash-up. I need no sympathy. I’m easy come, easy go. Little high, little low. Will they let me go?’

In opening remarks, Mr Sheeran’s lawyer said ‘He’s just a man whose intentions are good. M’lord, please don’t let him be misunderstood.’

The Howler monkey is in talks to host GB News.

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Biden to use Time Dilation effect to slow down ageing process

Joe Biden has announced that he will conduct his second term as President in a spaceship travelling at the speed of light.

'President Biden will effectively not age', a spokesman said. 'So all those Republicans saying he would be 86 at the end of his Presidential term are spreading fake news'.

The next US Presidential election is a contest to choose the best American out of a population of just 330 million. Some observers have expressed mild surprise that the two best Americans in 2024 are likely to be the same ones who competed in 2020 - Joe Biden and Donald Trump. There are also plans to send Donald Trump into space but that’s just to save on prison bills.

Physicists have pointed out that if President Biden can be accelerated to the speed of light none of his messages will return to Earth, which would be a shame. On the plus side, after four years of travel at light speed President Biden could visit Alpha Centauri.

Genealogists are working on his family tree to see if they can dig up any Alpha Centaurians he could claim as ancestors. It won’t matter much to Biden – he never really knows where he is anyway.

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UK's Sudan evacuations delayed by returnees having to file immigration paperwork

The government has explained that it is evacuating British citizens from Sudan as fast as the 'essential' immigration paperwork can be completed.

Many of those fleeing for their lives have expressed surprise and anger that, despite their British citizenship, they still have to go to what remains of the British Embassy in Khartoum to make a formal application to return to the UK. 'We are not asylum seekers, we're British!' said one, brandishing their blue passport.

'Yes yes, your house may have been bombed and you may think you are about to be shot, but there are millions of people who can say that,' noted Penelope Smythe, a spokesperson for the Home Office. 'If you want to enter the UK, due process has to be observed - we can't rush these things you know.'

Meanwhile, the influx of people from Sudan has been leading to unrest in the 'Blue Wall' constituencies of Kent, Surrey and Hampshire.

'Britain is full,' said Roger Garage, president of Conservatives for No Migration First, 'so we can't just let thousands of expats in. Where are they going to live? What jobs are they going to do? They'll be saying they're entitled to benefits next! From the TV news it looks like they had nice houses over there. Send 'em back I say.'

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