Nurses release their Christmas charity single eight months early

After the rejection of the latest pay offer by members, and in anticipation of strikes until the end of the year, the nurses union has just released its charity Christmas single, eight months early.

A spokesperson said that the money from sales of the single will be used to help nurses with their food and energy bills.

The charity single is a reworking of the 12 days of Christmas and celebrates daily life in the NHS. The lyrics are as follows

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me

Twelve lawsuits coming

Eleven MPs sniping

Ten doctors beeping

No pay financing

Eight nurses wilting

Seven bedpans brimming

Six patients paying

Five cold meals

Four bawling babs

Three French SRNs

Two rubber gloves

And a single doctor left in A&E

The nurses union explained that the song is ‘just a bit of fun’ and that NHS patients should not expect to see ten doctors when they visit hospital, unless there is a picket line. They also wanted to make clear that NHS food is usually served hot (or lukewarm for meetings about pay negotiations) and is very nutritious. The reference to five cold meals is about the food at weekends and bank holidays, when another tray of sandwiches and a banana can feel a bit disappointing.

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Thoughts & prayers for those that lost their blue tick

In a media massacre on the scale of the Battle of the Somme, Twitter has culled verified accounts, much to the consternation of narcissists everywhere. Celebs are said to be in a daze asking 'who am I?', 'what's my purpose?' and 'how can I make this about me?'.

Many have been cut down in their prime, sometimes even in mid-sentence. Mourners will wear poppies out of respect for the sheer amount of cocaine these people consumed. But sadly those who must not be forgotten, are too quickly forgotten without a social media feed.

Complained one celeb: 'I've been running my Twitter account for 10 years. Well, not me personally. I've a team of interns to do it. But without my tick, how will people know its the real fake me?'

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Civil Service accused of bullying ministers

Speaking from an abandoned fairground where he has just been arrested for dressing up as a ghost, Prime Minister (yes, really) Rishi Sunak has spoken out against ‘pesky’ civil servants ruining things.

‘It’s a conspiracy’, he said. ‘Left to our own devices Conservative ministers would have governed wisely. The small boats crisis would never have happened – we didn’t want to prevent asylum-seekers from filing their claims abroad. The civil service made us.

‘As for the NHS – God, I wish they hadn’t made us underfund it. And those PPE contracts! I wanted them to go to proper companies but the civil servants assured me that we should go for ‘mates rates’ and insisted that each minister should pick an old school chum. Poor Matt didn’t have any chums so he had to go with his pub landlord’.

Home Secretary Suella Braverman (yes, really) spoke out about the “evil” Rwanda policy. ‘I wanted to put them up somewhere nice, process their claims efficiently and give them all a hug. You should hear the stories – absolutely tragic’, she told reporters. ‘But those civil servants insisted on a policy of scaring them away. That’s why the Prime Minister has been dressing up as a ghost and patrolling the beach at Dover’.

The latest victim is Dominic Raab, a workaholic Mensa member who had offered to personally fly to Afghanistan to save British interpreters, armed only with his karate skills and rapier wit, only to find his plans derailed by civil servants who tied his shoelaces together and then closed the sea, effectively trapping him on a sunlounger in Crete. Raab has now been forced to resign in the latest hostile move, leaving the Justice Department without the benefit of his efficiency, empathy and charm.

It's clear that the Civil Service doesn’t deserve our votes at the next General Election. We urge readers to vote for a political party instead. Our thoughts and prayers are with Dominic Raab’s ego, which has shrunk to the size of Belgium. God Bless you, Dom!

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