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Scottish Grand National in chaos as police horse makes several arrests


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National Treasure, a 71-year-old gelding tipped to win Scotland’s greatest steeplechase, has been pulled-over in the final furlong and taken in for questioning.


The 8-1 favourite was being ridden by wee jockey Nicola Sturgeon, who leapt out of the saddle moments before the police horse came alongside. The intervention should have left the field wide open for Fiddler on the Hoof, a 58-year-old stallion, but he fell at the notorious hurdle known as Sticky Fingers Brook.


Just Stop Oil protesters were left feeling dazed and confused when the race came to a sudden stop. Dozens of jockeys ran for cover and left the ground wearing sunglasses and false moustaches.

"Zadok the Priest" in line for Ivor Novello award


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George Frideric Handel could win a prestigious songwriting award, a mere 296 years after the song was released.


The composer’s “Zadok the Priest”, written in 1727 for George IV’s coronation, has experienced a major resurgence in popularity, in the run up to Charles III’s coronation. It's now been shortlisted in the "most performed song" category at the Ivor Novello Awards, which celebrate outstanding writing and composition.


Government Minister for Antediluvian Nostalgia, Jacob Rees-Mogg, said, “I am delighted with such a choice which celebrates both British ingenuity and mercantile success”. However, this statement was later withdrawn when it was pointed out that Handel was a German immigrant and that the lyrics mentioned “Nathan the Prophet”, not “Profit”.


Attempts to contact Mr Handel’s ghost have been hampered by a shortage of Ouija boards, which have been commandeered by Government for the next round of the budget cycle.



Tories sack cleaners - ministers forced to launder own money


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Despite having a leader whose lifestyle is unaffected by his wife losing £49m, it appears that the Conservative Party is now so skint, it has sacked all the cleaners at party HQ.


Ministers are now taking turns with hoovering and washing up, although no-one has yet dared ask Dominic Raab to empty the dishwasher. Our source said that "Party donors have been drying up", although it isn't clear whether there is a rota for this.


While some ministers haven't scrubbed anything since boarding school, Lee "30p" Anderson is said to be in his element, and has been eagerly sharing his top tips on how to cheaply remove stains from your conscience, and how to get your whites white again.


Meanwhile it is hoped that with the Tories' leading lights busy cleaning the toilets, the country might enjoy a spell of good government for once and be spared from going down the pan.



Hat tip to modelmaker



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