top of page
Search

Trump announces bid for presidency of FIFA


More bizarre ramblings today in a White House press briefing. Trump announced he intends to run for the Presidency of FIFA next year while also hinting he can easily fit the job in alongside his intended third term as tinpot dictator of the free world..


'Time for Jaa-neee to go,' said the megalomaniacal commander in chief.  'I gave him a chance to make us both a lot of money. Not to mention extended members of my family, too. Lots of money. Helluva lot of money. But he lost his nerve. He blew it. He chickened out. He's a sad guy. So sad. A loser. Now I'll be going to that vote session next year and along with some hand-picked ICE guys we'll get the job done. No need for a vote at all.


'You know,' further mused the strangely ochre-tinted walking disaster, 'I like soccer ball. It's kinda neat but what we want in the game is more pazazz. Cheerleaders, short skirts and pompoms. And hotdog guys on the sidelines. That would put a failing game on map. As president I'll create a world series with maybe just four US sides taking part. All the other countries' teams can have time off. That'd be swell. As a matter of fact, you know...'


Trump never finished his remarks because at that moment a nurse with a Big Mac dangling from a fishing rod entered the Oval Office and enticed from the room.





Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Muppets to replace Infantino as head of FIFA


Following their bravura appearance at the World Cup Final – which included Animal making out with Madonna off-camera – FIFA has confirmed that its current head, Gianni Infantino, is to be replaced by Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show.


Infantino’s position had become untenable after his scheme to sell stakes in the World Cup to private investors met with widespread criticism.


It is the first time the organisation has had shared leadership and the first time the body has been co-led by a female. It is also, of course, the first time the organisation has been led by a frog and a pig.


Infantino said: “I am stepping down with my head held high because FIFA has just delivered the most profitable World Cup ever. I wish the Muppets the best of luck. People have been saying for years that FIFA has been run by a bunch of muppets. We decided to make it official.”


Kermit said: “Thank you Mister Giannibarmy Infantileideaseweezy. If you’re stuck for what to do now, Miss Piggy’s stye always needs cleaning. How’d you like to buy a stake in that?”


Other members of the much-loved TV show and movies are expected to be given senior positions to be announced in due course.


Statler and Waldorf, the two grumpy old guys in the box who heckle performers and gripe at each other, are expected to be offered roles as Directors of International Outreach. “Hey Walt. International Outreach eh? Last time you reached out they closed that Strait of Hummus again…”


“Well if it was you Stats, it’d be the Strait of Hernia…”





Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


FIFA denies Infantino is slowly turning into a Bond villain


FIFA has dismissed suggestions that Gianni Infantino is transforming into a Bond villain after he was photographed at a summit alongside The Hood from Thunderbirds, Dr Evil and Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Concerns were first raised after Infantino unveiled FIFA’s plans for the 2034 World Cup while stroking a white Persian cat and explaining that matches would be staged “wherever pleases me”.


The Hood reportedly welcomed the announcement before using his hypnotic powers to persuade delegates that a 48-team World Cup was “actually quite a simple format”. He later proposed Tracy Island as the venue for the 2038 tournament, pointing out that it already had excellent transport links if you happened to own a supersonic aircraft, a rocket or a submarine.


FIFA officials described the bid as “considerably more practical than several we have accepted”. Dr Evil was reported to have submitted a rival bid to host the 2042 World Cup on the moon for “ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS”. Infantino described the proposal as “very interesting”.


Blofeld, meanwhile, is understood to have questioned FIFA’s governance arrangements. “Even SPECTRE has an ethics committee,” he said. The meeting concluded with Infantino pressing a large red button beneath his desk. FIFA insists the subsequent disappearance of the Norwegian Football Association was entirely coincidental. International Rescue was called, but declined to intervene after discovering that FIFA wanted £4,000 for a rescue package, plus hospitality.


Asked whether world football was now effectively controlled by a tiny group of sinister bald men sitting in an underground lair, Infantino laughed for several minutes before replying: “Football unites the world. Would you like to invest in some FIFA bonds?”





Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

bottom of page