Local authority sets up alternative to Fifa World Cup

Given the current domestic political unrest in the US, and the ridiculously inflated FIFA pricing protocols, the Scottish local authority of Fife has decided to create the FIFE World Cup.

"Aye, going back tae the guid auld days is whit we're after," said President of Fife World Cup, Joe Havelunch, from the World Cup HQ in Glenrothes. "We'll be makin' use o' three existing world class stadiums. One in Dunfermline, hame of the Athletic, one in Methil, hame tae East Fife, and the other in Kirkcaldy, hame tae Raith Rovers. These hae a combined capacity of over 22,000. Not much over, mind you, but this is oor first World Cup, so baby steps tae begin wi'

"Hotel accommodation is plentiful and cheap. I've spoken personally tae the head of the Fife Tourist Board, and I've been reassured that even if both the Premier Inn and the Travelodge here in Glenrothes are fully booked, Mrs Teuchter always has a couple of spare beds in her wee glamping pods at Pitscottie.

"Transport and infrastructure could not be easier. Did ye ken that the two main routes into Fife, the Forth Road Bridge and the Clackmannan Bridge, are toll free? And nae remarks aboot us Scots missin' an opportunity there, right?

"And if the extreme situation occurs where Mr Trump has difficulty deciding whether he prefers Fife tae Fifa, I'm pretty sure the presence of a wee old golf course or two in St Andrews might just swing the balance. And nae need for fake prizes or awards.

"Aye, we hope to ensure that all the matches in our World Cup live up to the famous old free-scoring standard of East Fife 5 : Forfar 4 "

FIFA introduce ordeal by fire for World Cup tickets

After years of anticipation, football World Cup tickets have at last gone on sale. Seats at the final are now available for all fans who have completed the official assault course, proved the Riemann hypothesis, and pledged 10% of gross earnings for the next 25 years.

Succeeding at these tasks gets you through to the 7 hour wait on a telephone, before the actual price is revealed to you - and the location of the disused warehouse where you go to deposit your cash and pick up the coveted tickets. (Purchasers are reminded that ticket prices cannot be made public as they are "naturally" classified as top secret under the counter-espionage laws of all participating countries.)

For those fair weather fans who can't afford all that, seats at group stage matches will be available on payment of just a single kidney - with both organs required for knockout stage tickets. Fans are permitted to defer the fatal second organ operation until after the match, on provision of a "close family member" as hostage.

Some fans have noted that the prices and conditions are slightly different from how they were described in the original North American bid, where it was promised that a maximum price of £1000 for the final (£100 for group stage) or a day's volunteer work at an orphan hedgehog sanctuary would secure seats at any match.

However, FIFA officials say that as neither VAR, their Zurich bank managers nor the American authorities have raised any concerns, they are "very happy" that "the beautiful game is safe in our grasping hands".

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Tottenham in talks with stop-motion character to become next manager

The Chief Executive of Tottenham Hotspur has confirmed the club are in talks with a French stop motion character with a view to becoming their next full time manager.

Majority shareholders ENIC say the as yet unnamed Frenchman, who is currently out of work after leaving his post as a fairground manager is available to take over at Spurs immediately and is considered by the Tottenham board to be the perfect fit to revive the fortunes of the ailing EPL club.

Chief Executive Venus Ventasackem said the new manager has been described as a talking jack-in-a box with magical powers who would appeal to the Spurs fan base who have been crying out for such an appointment since the glory days under Bill Nicholson.

If agreeing to take over at the club it is thought the new manager would want to bring in his own backroom staff, dietician, set piece coach and medical staff.

Rumours that a drop-eared terrier had been seen house hunting with a snail, a cow and a hippy rabbit in north London has triggered rumours about the identity of the mystery manager with some fans speculating on social media that it might be former Spurs favourite David Ginola.

But Ginola denied he had been approached by his old club saying it sounded more like the lunchtime menu at a French truck stop than the back up team of an EPL manager.

Although, considering the last few appointments Tottenham have made Ginola agreed that would be a marked improvement.

image by Grok