Councils flog tickets for General Election results announcements

Cash strapped councils are hoping to boost their income by selling tickets so that those seeking exciting midweek entertainment can witness in person, returning officers tell Tory MPs they’ve lost their seats.

Doris Clegg, a North East Somerset constituent, told NewsBiscuit that she’d cancelled her weekend holiday in Bognor and would be spending the money on a ticket to watch the smug smile drain from her MP’s face instead. “I don’t know yet how much the tickets will be going for”, she said, “but if the holiday money doesn’t cover it, I'll cancel my bingo club subscription as well.”

Ticket Coupon Admission - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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'I'll crash dive faster than any other Tory' says Sea-Gullis

'I'm not like the rest of the Tory flock,' the party's new deputy chairman, Jonathan Livingstone Sea-Gullis, told reporters at a press conference in his cliffside constituency on Rockall.

'They may be content to spend their lives flapping about, squawking manically, taking vicious pecks at each other and carrying out daylight robberies on the British public.

'It's been their way of life for hundreds of years, so good luck to them.

'But I want to take being a Tory politician to the absolute limits. That's why you'll see me, in the weeks to come, way out to sea and making crash dives at terminal velocity into the briny depths of oblivion.

'And if the rest of the Conservative Party has the same determination as me, we'll all go out together in a blaze of glory some time around November - or next January at the latest.

'What do I think my political legacy will be?' said Sea-Gullis, responding to a question from an inquisitive prawn before swallowing it.

'If history is kind to me, I'll end up as the answer to a really obscure question in a pub quiz which hardly anyone gets.

'I'd be happy enough with that. After all, we all have to recognise our limitations, don't we?'

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/

Voter announces he’s “available for hire”

With the certainty of a general election before the end of the year, a voter has formally announced that his vote is available to any party “for the right price”.

Graham Sawdust of 32, The Crescent, Hemel Hempstead, an accounting technician with exciting dreams of one day becoming an accountant, said he’d always been a floating voter, in the sense of not having principles or beliefs of any kind.

'So it’s really a question of which party will offer me the most in return for my vote.'

Asked wha' in particular he was hoping for, he said that Tory plans to scrap inheritance tax certainly sounded promising. “Having said that, I visited my parents a few months ago, and they looked irritatingly healthy. No, best make it a straightforward cut in income tax. Or national insurance.' He then talked for some time about how cutting national insurance would in some ways be better, but it’s far too dull to reproduce here.

'I suppose you could say that, politically speaking, I’m putting on fishnet stockings and standing on a street corner on the old industrial estate,' Sawdust chuckled, before adding, 'Assuming that’s what prostitutes even do, which obviously I don’t know, I’ve certainly never been there. A blue Vauxhall Corsa is a very common car, I think you’ll find.'