Labour hopes to secure landslide general election victory with celebrity MPs

Labour party strategists have devised a new way to engage with Britain’s recalcitrant voters. Recognising that career MPs are widely seen as untrustworthy, sleazy, self-serving and stupid, they are planning to put forward new general election candidates from the worlds of sport and celebrity.

An insider said that the public aspire to the lifestyles of sports stars and celebrities, are more likely to copy what they do, and will usually trust them without question. If a politician tells you to vote for them, many voters will cussedly vote for their opponents instead. If a celebrity tells you to vote for them, then most people will happily send text after text at 50p a go.

Celebrities are seen as more authentic, less duplicitous and generally, a lot more fun. Marcus Rashford has already achieved more on school meals than any MP ever did, for example. A key advantage is that celebs are less likely to go on about boring things like national debt, prison overcrowding, housing shortages, melting ice and depressing things like that. They are much more likely to go for ‘fun’ policies like free nail varnish for all, for example, and back it up with a hilarious Youtube video or Tiktok post.

Labour hopes that the power of celebrity will overcome voter apathy. It believes the approach will save a fortune on political advertising, as celebrities are much better at getting free publicity from the papers and find it much easier to get on TV. Insiders are discussing ‘all celebrity’ shortlists in some marginal seats.

Labour’s political ‘old-stagers’ are concerned about a new focus on celebrity politics, but admit that ‘they probably couldn’t do any worse than the politicians we’ve currently got’.

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Galloway: "We'll take seats from labour, providing they don't stand, obviously"

Workers' Party of Great Britain leader, and part time cat, George Galloway, has said that his party could take many seats from Labour, including that of Labour's deputy leader, Angela Rayner. "Of course, this is providing the Labour Party withdraw their candidates - that worked really well for me in Rochdale."

"Of course, what would be even better if is no other party stands against us but that is absolute cloud cuckoo land, so it's article one of our manifesto."  

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Tories to extend voting franchise to the dead

In order to improve their electoral chances from 'infinitesimal' to 'still pretty unlikely' a covert Tory plan will extend the voting franchise to the dead, on the basis that people get more right wing as they get older.

In a paper labelled 'TOP SECRET – ON NO ACCOUNT SHARE ON WHATSAPP OR WITH SCOTT BENTON', a strategy is set out involving seances, modelling and technology. The goal is to establish the voting intentions of thousands of the deceased, so that they’re recorded as postal votes in key constituencies.

It’s well-known at Westminster that the Tories already have a well-developed séance capability, owing to a group of members feeling the need to channel Mrs Thatcher on a daily basis.

However, the paper also describes 'using special ultrasonic technology', in order to detect 'intra-crypt corporeal gyration', which may be a feature of the recent dead in the 'Red Wall seats'. In these circumstances, the additional spinning noise will make it too difficult to determine the voting preference, so these votes will be treated as 'spoilt'.

In contrast, modelling, using data on people’s voting preferences while alive, appears to have struck some initial problems. An internal audit of the 'Horizontal' model shows significant cases of counting votes of people who are still alive, along with 'various insects' and 'a wheelbarrow'.

In addition, the paper makes it clear that little opposition from the Electoral Commission is expected. At one point, the author(s) states 'we’ve cut them back and restricted their powers so significantly, we’ll just target the action for when he’s on his holidays.

Mrs Thatcher and Michael Gove (Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities, which oversees elections) were both approached for comment. In response, there were incoherent mutterings and groanings, whilst there was no comment from Mrs Thatcher.

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