14-year-old experiences strange new sensation called hope

A 14 year-old girl from Cheshire approached her mother this morning after experiencing strange new feelings she had never felt before.

Josy Hinde from Crewe told her mum, 'Since I woke up on Friday morning, I've been feeling really odd. I feel like a darkness has lifted, and the corners of my mouth sort of turned up a bit. Now and then, I catch myself humming. I'm really scared, mum. What's wrong with me?'

'Don't worry, love,' replied her mum. 'It's something called hope. No one under the age of 15 will have felt it before. But now many of you will. Some people have been going around taking everyone's hope for the future from them and saying it's impossible to do good things because it would cost too much. But it was never true. It was always possible, they just thrived off making everyone else scared and miserable like themselves. No one can explain it, but they were absolutely adamant that the children weren't our future.'

'Do I need to see a doctor?'

'Nah, you'll be fine, Jose. When the corners of your mouth turn up like that, it's called happiness. I know it feels weird at first, but it's a good thing. Speak to your friends at school about it, and you can help each other adjust.'

Photo by Barth Bailey on Unsplash

Historic victory for 'meh'

With the majority of UK voters staying at home, Labour has swept to victory on a wave of apathy, astride the surf board of regret. Their gamble paid off, that although they were hated, the Tories were hated more. With reported election fever just being trapped wind.

In a triumph of the least worst option, Labour now hoped to deliver on their promise of no hope. They set out a bold vision of winning and then counting down the clock until the big pension kicks in.

Sir Keir wasted no time in becoming vilified, something most PMs take a few wars to become. He told a packed audience that he would never knowingly meet their expectations and would always strive to seem bald on the inside. Crowds of upwards of five people, held up placards demanding change. To which Starmer said he would - but only his socks - and then only once a fortnight.

MP fury at not being famous enough to be a Portillo moment

Michael Tomlinson has taken to Twitter to express his anger at being left off of "Portillo moment" lists.

'I am a minister of state and as such losing my seat should be a big moment of the election. I've been privately coaching the Labour candidate to mouth 'oh gosh!' when it happens.'

When Mr Tomlinson was reminded that he was the Minister of State for Countering Illegal Migration he responded, 'Oh bugger, that's me is it?'