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Bohemian Rish-sody



Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?


Facing a landslide, no escape from reality


Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see


I'm just a To - ry, I’ll get no sympathy


Because I'm easy come, easy go, rose too high, falling low


Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me





Tories, I screwed it up


I put a gun against your head


I called election, now you’re dead


Tories, my term had just begun


But now I've gone and thrown it all away


Tories, ooh-ooh, looks like you’re gonna fry


If I'm not back again this time tomorrow


Vote me out, vote me out, the country is in tatters





Too late, the polls have come


Send shivers down my spine, MPs lying all the time


Goodbye, everybody, I'm going to go


Gotta leave you all behind to emigrate


Tories, ooh-ooh (any way the cash goes)


I’m not gonna die


But I sometimes wish I never had stood at all





I see a little spineless tosser of a man


Roland Rat, Roland Rat, will you do us all a favour?


Arguing and fighting, very, very frightening me


(Nigel Farage) Boris Johnson, (Nigel Farage) Boris Johnson


They’re the ones to blame - and bloody Go-o-o-o-ove





I'm just a rich boy, nobody loves me


He's just a bell-end from a rich family


Spare his rich wife from this monstrous defeat





Easy con, track and trace, money in a sack


Michelle Mone


No, she will not give it back (give it back)


Michelle Mone


No, she will not give it back (give it back)


Michelle Mone


No, she will not give it back (give it back)


She will not give it back (give it back)


She will not give it back (give it back)


She will not give it back (give it back)


Never, never, never, got a boat to fund


No, no, no, no, no, no, no





Oh, Maggie Thatcher, Maggie Thatcher


Maggie Thatcher, let me go


Americans have a job put aside for me, for me, for me





So you think you can dump me and spit in my eye?


So you think you can hate me and leave me to die?


Oh, Tories, can't do this to me, Tories


Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here


Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah





Nothing really matters, except my money


Nothing else matters


Nothing else matters to me


Any way the wind blows, he'll go




H/T Sinnick for lyric suggestions


Image: Sinnick & Modelmaker


With apologies to Mick Rock, Photographer and the estate of Freddy Mercury, Songwriter.



What shall we do with a sunken Tory?



While the quote about magnanimity in victory is often attributed to Churchill, nevertheless a group of Labour planners have been tasked with thinking about what to do with/for Tory MPs who have lost their seats.


A spokeswonk said, “Predictions vary between 150-300 ex MPS for the Tories. Some say, not our problem, but when you take over the reins of power and try to form a Government showing concern for all its citizens, then you need something that at least resembles a policy. This could be a very hard nut to crack.


“The top suggestion so far is to set up a voluntary scheme to retrain these failures as Job's Comforters. Obvs, if any Tories want to bugger off to California to squander their multi-millions however they feel, we're not going to stand in their way. Yet we feel the need to offer some crumbs of comfort, however stale, to victims who are seeking help.


When fully trained these Comforters will be deployed to address the deep depression felt by Tory voters and Daily Mail & Express readers throughout the UK.


“There is no reason these rehab courses could not also be offered to failed candidates of Labour or Lib/Dem parties. Many of these will be wondering – if only we'd kept our mouths shut tighter or done less, couldn't we have generated enough apathy in our constituencies to scrap us over the line!


“Even the Reform losers are not to be abandoned. Top idea so far is to offer lessons in how to swim with a millstone round your neck.”




Most popular MP Facebook statuses by party



Conservative:  "I bet I lose my seat in the next election"



Labour:  "Sorry, you won't have heard of me, but I'm your next MP"



Reform:  "My struggle against 14 and a half years of Tory lies, stupidity and cowardice"



Lib Dem:  "Councillors can be MPs too!"



Green:  "Green is the new Red"



SNP:  "They may take our lives, but they will never take OUR FREEDOM! Lend us a tenner for stamps...""



Plaid Cymru:  [Something unintelligible with no vowels]



DUP:  "My good friend Gordon says homosexuality is ungodly."




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