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What shall we do with a sunken Tory?

While the quote about magnanimity in victory is often attributed to Churchill, nevertheless a group of Labour planners have been tasked with thinking about what to do with/for Tory MPs who have lost their seats.

A spokeswonk said, “Predictions vary between 150-300 ex MPS for the Tories. Some say, not our problem, but when you take over the reins of power and try to form a Government showing concern for all its citizens, then you need something that at least resembles a policy. This could be a very hard nut to crack.

“The top suggestion so far is to set up a voluntary scheme to retrain these failures as Job's Comforters. Obvs, if any Tories want to bugger off to California to squander their multi-millions however they feel, we're not going to stand in their way. Yet we feel the need to offer some crumbs of comfort, however stale, to victims who are seeking help.

When fully trained these Comforters will be deployed to address the deep depression felt by Tory voters and Daily Mail & Express readers throughout the UK.

“There is no reason these rehab courses could not also be offered to failed candidates of Labour or Lib/Dem parties. Many of these will be wondering – if only we'd kept our mouths shut tighter or done less, couldn't we have generated enough apathy in our constituencies to scrap us over the line!

“Even the Reform losers are not to be abandoned. Top idea so far is to offer lessons in how to swim with a millstone round your neck.”

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