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England manager Thomas Tuchel has rebuffed claims that his side is lucky after being drawn in the same 2026 World Cup group as American 70s disco outfit Village People.


The band brought Friday’s World Cup draw to a close performing their smash hit ‘YMCA’ moments after unexpectedly been drawn to face England in group L next summer. The group is completed by the South-West Region Lidl works team, and the winner of the play-off between Easter Island and the Harlem Globetrotters.


‘There are no easy games in the World Cup’ says Tuchel. ‘Village People may be past their best, but they have a very good youth system, and are always encouraging young players to come along and hang out with all the boys.


‘And, of course, the Lidl works team won the South-West Region League by 4 points. As long as they can keep their star striker ‘Fat Morph’ fit, by which I mean sober, then they could be dangerous. After all, Lidl are a German company, and you know the old saying in football – ‘never write off the Germans, or their discount supermarkets’.'


Meanwhile, Scotland have been drawn in the same group as Brazil, and will face the 5-time winners 3 times over 10 days, with only the group winners going through to the knock-out stages.


‘It's a tough draw’ says Scotland manager Steve Clarke. ‘We had been expecting to be drawn in a group with 3 other teams, but to be in a group with just Brazil, and to have to play them 3 times in 10 days in the soaring heat, is going to be difficult.


‘Before the draw we had hoped we might sneak into the last 32 by being one of the best placed 3rd placed teams, but as there are only 2 teams in the group, that’s going to be quite tricky’.


‘Still stranger things have happened in international football, like Donald Trump being awarded a peace prize by FIFA. What’s next? Is Benjamin Netanyahu going to be presented with the Nobel Prize for Chemistry before the draw for the fourth round of the Carabao Cup?’



Image credit: perchance.org


Some people may have listened to the speech Robert Jenrick gave to the Tory party conference with mounting alarm, said a spokesman for Lebensraum Translation Services, "especially when he screeched the words: 'Let us fight for a better future! Let us build this new order! Let's take our country back!'


"To the ordinary fellow, this may have sounded like an annoyingly ambitious pipsqueak of a politician veering dangerously into hard right territory in a desperate attempt to capture the leadership of his party.


"However, if you translate these words back into the original German, as they were spoken in a Munich beer hall in the late 1920s, they take on an entirely different meaning.


"The speaker, sickened by a humiliating defeat, promises to lead his people on the high road back to glory. That's also true for Jenrick, but in German it sounds sort of operatic.


"I mean, at least that guy believed in something - which is a notch up on Herr Jenrick. You'd need a cryogenic transmission electron microscope to even get close to discovering a single sincere belief in Herr Jenrick's head.


"Now I just need to translate this last gem from the great future Tory leader's lips - 'Gott in Himmel, wo ist all der Weissfolk in that godforsaken dump, Handsworth?'


"Oh, dear. That bit doesn't sound too great in anyone's language, does it?"




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