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Guy Fawkes ‘bitterly regrets’ starting it all

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The ghost of Guy Fawkes has issued an apology for ‘all the f*cking fireworks’ and says that he would never have tried to blow up Parliament if he’d known about the centuries of shit bonfires and distraught pets.


‘Woo, ooh, ooh’ his ghost said, which roughly translates as ‘Sorry. Please apologise to your dog for me’.


It’s relatively rare for ghosts to issue an apology. Genghis Khan apologised a few years back after DNA tests showed that he was the ancestral father of almost everybody in the world, though he followed it up with ‘hashtag legend’, which suggests a level of insincerity.


Bonfire Night is a uniquely British institution – disappointing and expensive with occasional showers, rather like a trip to the seaside. Some people are rumoured to enjoy it, but then some people like being whipped.


Last word should go to Guy Fawkes’ ghost: ‘Wooh, oooh, woooh, woooh, ooooh’. Exactly.



Nation’s haunted ask ghosts to stop being dicks about it


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Residents of the nation’s most haunted homes have come together to demand their ghosts stop being such dicks.


“We’ve had enough”, said Gary De La Lane of Richmond in Yorkshire, “It’s got to stop. We get it - they’re restless souls who are trying to find a way through to their final destination. But for fuck’s sake, stop switching the kettle on!” Mr De La Lane and his wife, Rosie, own a haunted Coaching Inn. “I get that the poor guy must have died a horrible death and is in a terrible place but is that any reason to keep switching on the landing light or turning the shower on when we’re out? It’s just a pain in the arse”.


Other haunted home owners complained of their ghosts knocking glasses and cups to the floor, throwing books across the room, rattling windows, switching lights on and off and generally being dicks.


“What’s the point?”, said Anne Bowler of Cumbria, “OK, you died a horrible death and you’re annoyed but do something constructive and help out around the place. Stop opening the freezer and flooding the kitchen! That just makes us think you’re a twat who was probably murdered for one practical joke too many”.


Ms Bowler went on, “one more cooked lasagne on the floor after I left it to cool and I’m ringing the fucking ghostbusters!”



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