Jeffrey Epstein fails to attend golf course openings

Donald Trump has opened a new golf resort in Scotland.  Jeffrey Epstein did not attend.  

The new 18-hole course at Turnberry is not named after Jeffrey Epstein.

Later, he will open a new 18-hole course in Aberdeenshire. That course isn’t named after Jeffrey Epstein either.

The White House says Trump will also meet Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer to have his ego stroked for a bit, and to get some respite from media questions about Epstein’s List and his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.

The President hopes that, by promoting his personal interests so publicly while in office, the media will write about something other than Epstein.

A spokesman for all media outlets said, ‘Epstein. Epstein. It’s all about Epstein. It’s an Epstein frenzy! Trump is named in Epstein’s List.  Trump was told he was on Epstein’s List and then lied about it.  New pictures of him and Epstein keep turning up!  No wonder it’s all about Epstein.

‘Actually, just to explain, me and the lads are betting on how many times we can insert ‘Epstein’ into a news item. I’m currently in the lead.’

Picture credit: deep dream generator

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey.

“We’ve been aware for some time that young hotheads in their 50s and 60s have been seeking out these roads to enjoy the high octane thrills of driving at 20mph. Naturally this isn’t the sort of people we want to attract so, with the usual pretence that it’s something to do with public safety, we are imposing a 15mph limit.”

First to be caught by the new cameras was Gervais de la Boucher, a retired stockbroker driving a red Jaguar MkII because he likes to think of himself as a bit of an Inspector Morse-style silver fox.

“I was on my way to play golf,” he explained, “and a sort of madness came over me. I just lost control. Even as the needle crept up to 17mph, then 18, I just didn’t care.”

He was bound over to appear at Guernsey magistrates court next week, but protested that the court’s on the other side of the island, so if he keeps to the speed limit, he won’t get there on time even if he sets off now.

image from pixabay

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British Detectives Continue To Search Algarve Golf Courses for Madeleine McCann

While German and Portuguese Police search wasteland near Praia da Luz for clues relating to the disappearance of Madeleine McCann 18 years ago, members of the Metropolitan Police case team continue to investigate their hunch that the three-year-old went missing in the rough around one of the Algarve's many golf courses.

Speaking at the first tee of the Espiche Club, lead officer DCI Savage gave an update on behalf of his team and four-ball, telling reporters, "While we accept it's an outside chance, we won't rest until every inch of this course and any others within 30 miles of Lagos have been thoroughly searched, which won't be that hard thanks to DS Brightman shanking every shot with his driver anywhere but the fairway!"

Four hours later, the search team returned with good news, "Hastings got a hole-in-one on the ninth!" Savage told us, "So that's saved the investigation a bit of cash as the Milky bars are on him tonight!"

When asked how long this case could be kept open, Savage said, "Well, there's three more courses to search, actually four if you count the Stableford competition we've got planned with the local plods. Then there's a rumour a girl matching the computer-aged images of Madeline was seen at the Portimão Restaurant Festival, so we've got some reservations there to follow-up the lead. After that, it depends how long the weather holds out and when the courts confirm the date for my misconduct hearing."

image form pixabay

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