Government likely to scrap HS2

The government is considering scrapping the expensive HS2 vanity project, in the hope that money can be found to pay for its significantly more expensive legal costs when it gets its collar felt over its abuse of its time in power.

With it becoming ever more likely that the Tories will lose the next election and the public will be baying for blood over the appalling situation it has been left in after 14 years of corrupt and incompetent government, contingency plans are being made in the hope of saving money so the taxpayer can pay for legal representation when cabinet ministers who served since 2010 are tried for their crimes.

It isn’t clear at this stage whether the former Director of Public Prosecutions will look as kindly on these scroats as happened when public funding was made available for legal representation to challenge booting Boris Johnson out of parliament, but a source close to the government told Newsbiscuit that if Starmer didn’t have to worry about finding the billions needed to complete HS2, there’s a chance he may look more favourably on the plight ex-ministers will be faced with.

Our political correspondent was unable at this stage to establish from the shadow cabinet if such a move would be feasible when Labour is in power due to the hysterical laughter that broke out when he asked.

A Savile Row spokes-Sinbad* let on that he and his colleagues are working on bespoke designs for prison outfits in the hope their most prestigious customers will be allowed to wear them.

*Sinbad the Sailor = Tailor

Train Wreck Accident Railway - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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Govt says HS2 money got spent on Covid. Soz

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Government explains how breaking the pension promise doesn’t in fact break the pension promise

The government has explained how breaking the so-called triple-lock on pension increases does not actually, in fact, break the triple-lock. The following text is taken directly from a government press release.

‘The fact is that the triple-lock is a clear manifesto commitment. Fact. Another fact is that no-one ever read the small print of the manifesto. People prefer to imagine that the manifesto commitment means whatever they want it to mean. Which is actually quite correct. The commitment means whatever we want it to mean. Fact.

The fact is that the government never realised how costly the pension commitment would be. As costs have risen exponentially, which means by a lot, it is right to review whether or not the actual calculation of the triple-lock actually delivers the intended spirit of the policy.

The fact is that the spirit of the policy was to reassure pensioners that the government understood their situation, which was that their votes were available in return for a decent bung. The triple-lock has delivered a decent bung since the last election and will continue to do so.

The fact is that the government has made some minor improvements to the calculation of the pension increase to take out the effect of things entirely outside its control, such as the NHS strike, rail strikes, sewage on the beaches, sleaze, sexism, inflation, rising pay and crumbly concrete. These improvements to the pension increase calculation remain entirely within the spirit of delivering a decent bung to pensioners and this will continue to be the case for the foreseeable future.

These improvements deliver a substantial increase in the state pension from next April and one that is not substantially lower than the substantial increase that would have been delivered under the flawed and discredited arithmetic of the previous calculation.

In fact state pensions have increased by ten thousand per cent since they were first introduced and this will continue to be the case.

So you have every reason to be enormously grateful for the pension increase and every reason to continue to vote Tory very enthusiastically at the forthcoming general election.

Starmer won’t even commit to supporting the triple-lock, for heavens sake. Fact.’