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Government hails UK scientists’ discovery of doesn’t-matter particles

'I am so proud that British scientists have become the first in the world to unlock the mysteries of the "doesn’t-matter" particle,” a spokesperson for the government announced, at the Who Cares faculty of the University of Wherever.

'We already know that every particle of matter in the universe is matched by a particle of anti-matter. Their research has gone further, and has revealed that every little thing in this universe which matters is exactly cancelled out by stuff that doesn’t matter in the slightest. I can assure the scientists here that the Conservative Party, will be taking full advantage of their ground-breaking work for our own low and snivelling political ends.

'For example, is inflation too high? Just feed the data into their wonderful new "doesn’t-matter" converter and, abracadabra, it instantly doesn’t matter at all. Is there a scary amount of knife crime on the streets? Again, put it through the "doesn’t-matter" machine, and then knives will no longer be sharp and British streets will be happy places full of affluent people frequenting shops and restaurants which are still open for business.

'And we’re already using the "doesn’t-matter" device to ensure that the front pages of your daily newspapers are filled with totally irrelevant dross about Peter Crouch and Abby Clancy, rather than information that really does matter about how we’re ruining the country. Just think! If we’d had this contraption last year, around the time of Liz Truss’ disastrous mini-budget, then no one in the world's dealing rooms would have given a damn about that £45 billion black hole in the government’s finances.

'And that means Truss would still be in office today while the PM would be kicking his platform heels as an out-of-favour backbench MP with no hope of ever being a minister again. Oh, hang on. That’s not what this new machine is meant for …'

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