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Government calls in army to shoot anyone who looks like they might be protecting the planet

In a move to maintain its unblemished record of getting absolutely everything wrong 10,000 times in a row, the UK government has deployed the army onto the streets of London.

Downing Street clarified, 'Guardian-reading, tofu-eating wokerati terrorism armed response police weren't shooting the people we wanted them to. Well, not in the numbers which satisfied our bloodlust. We were left no option but to call in the military, and give them strict orders to pump more lead into terrorists than we have pumped effluents into the Thames water catchment area.

'For the record, terrorists now include anyone making any attempt to remove deadly toxins from London air, people who look like they could be environmentalists, those potentially making their way to complain about illegal government policy, and next door's tortoise.'

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